THE IMAGINARY INTERVIEW

In an EXCLUSIVE NSW Election Day special, Barry O'Fahrenheight makes his premiere debut in Australia's most famous fictional segment, the Imaginary Interview.

Mick Cartonne: Barry O ' Fahrenheight,  thanks for your time.

Barry O' Fahrenheight: A pleasure to be here.

MC: Your political opponents are putting all their hopes into the unknown factor. They say people don't know what you really believe in. Some in the NSW ALP think you hold more positions than the Kama Sutra. How do you respond to such claims?

BO: Well, Mick, unlike my favourite football team,  the Wests Tigers, I can only take one standing position on this issue. I'm not going to indulge in negative campaigning because there's nothing negative to say about the Kama Sutra.

MC: If the Liberal/National Coalition is elected on March 26, how will your government work towards getting the state back into better shape?

BO: Two words. Health reform. 72 million dollars will be used to roll out practical based Kama Sutra re-training courses to help working mum's and dad's avoid serious injuries when making love and consequently, reduce waiting lists in public hospital emergency departments. 

MC: Do you believe there is a link between climate change and the upcoming landslide that has been predicted by political scientists?

BO: Mick, the science does indicate that most election results are man-made, so my answer would have to be yes.

MC: You are a big fan of using football analogies in interviews. What can you do to get mother nature back on-side?

BO:It's a well known political philosophy that behind mother nature is a good man.

MC: Don't you mean behind mother nature is a happy man?

BO:I'll leave the trivial stuff to the media, Mick. But where I come in is by working on introducing an incentive based Emissions Reduction Scheme that cuts down carbon output in this state without hurting working families.

MC: And how exactly will this scheme work?

BO: By convincing voters on March 26 to let us do work experience on the other side of the chamber in the Lower House so that we can deliver real political climate change.

MC: After losing four elections in a row, how will your party convince people to get behind you on polling day?

BO: By hopping on a big bus, telling stories in childcare centres and most importantly, by playing tv commercials with scary music featuring photos of former premiers.

MC: But how will this have an impact on lowering emissions?

BO: The science suggests that when Labor is kicked out of office, we see an automatic reduction in the output of hot air and bullshit. So if you want to change the environment for the better, you have to put Labor out of business on election day.

MC: Won't that be bad for democracy?

BO: My sources tell me it'll be good for the political environment.

MC: Who are your sources?

BO:The Liberal Party.

MC: Premier O' Fahrenheight, thanks for your time.

BO: Thanks for your vote. 

JUST A THOUGHT

Warning: My sense of humour has taken sick leave due to the problems the world is facing right now. Should the waiting list for a sponge bath by a pretty nurse be short,  then this serious interruption of all things ridiculous should be very short. Thank you.

DEAR ANYONE WHO CARES

Mother Nature is going to continue acting like a Tim Shaw steak knife commercial. You know the one's where his famous catch line is, 'But wait, there's still more!'.

Guess what. He was onto something.

The ecological infomercials we are witnessing at the moment right around the world will not be interrupted until we take a commercial break from our excess lifestyles.

We have to learn we can't have everything we want regardless of how much we earn or where we live. 

But no, we can't offend people's lifestyle choices can we, even if it's in the name of that slightly important cause called SURVIVAL.

Here's a challenge for you all this week once you get done finishing your crossword or blabbering on your mobile phone about something nonsensical Charlie Sheen said on social networking site, the Twit.

Try finding a politician in a major political party that will stand up to the selfish society and some of the media by speaking the truth.

Oh and by the way, I am not a leftie, I am not an extremist, I am a humanist who believes that it's not the size of your intelligence that counts, it's what you do with it for the greater good of society that matters.

But let's pretend she'll be right and we'll see what happens. 

That'll keep you looking good in the polls while keeping the factions and their lobby group bed buddies on your side.

However I should remind you all of something that might be worth taking into consideration as well.

Mother Earth has never been beaten in a Grand Final football match when her opposition is us.

Just a thought.

MICK CARTONNE MP
(Member of the Public)

THE IMAGINARY INTERVIEW

Changing the media climate with his exclusive access to unbelievable public figures, Australians rely on one man to ask the questions that don't matter...ever.

This week Mick Cartonne chats with the Executive Chairman of a retail brand that likes to inform Governments about consumer tastes.

Mick: Mr Chairman, thanks for joining me.
Chairman: How much is this costing me, son?
Nothing.

What do you mean nothing? This is a radio commercial isn't it?

No, this is a radio interview where you try and sell your side of the story.

What story?

Your latest piece of adult fiction about big retailers who are struggling....

(LAUGHS OUT LOUD) Yes, a very original concept that. More creative than a Harry Potter title.

Can I continue?

Is there any GST involved?

No. You can avoid that by talking to me instead of our advertising department.

I like the way you think son.

We thought you'd like it too, that's why we called you.

You should've emailed me instead, son.

Why?

No GST.

Your involved with a group of retailers campaigning on television to convince the Federal Government to create a more level playing field between Australian retailers and foreign competitors because people who shop online don't pay a Goods and Services tax of 10 per cent on purchases under $1000. What's the feedback been like from your loyal customers?

We haven't got any.

Feedback?

Loyal customers, Mick. If we did we wouldn't be buying our way into trouble with this campaign.

How will the big retail gang measure the success of this anti-GST push?

You mean the information awareness marathon?

Yes

Well, we've certainly exceeded our expectations. That much I can tell you.

Can you give me an example?

I'm very happy to, Mick., Since we started re-shaping the outlook of Australian consumers, my chain of stores has been recording a higher-than-average level of in-store inquiries.

About what?

Our broad range of high-definition television sets.

Are these inquiries purchase-related?

Honestly speaking?

Yes

No.

What are these inquiries about?

Something about turning the TV's off.

When?

During the middle of the day.

Can you tell me when the bulk of your tv commercials are going to air?

When the small hand strikes twelve.

Why do you think you've had so many requests to turn the tv's off in your stores?

Something to do with global warming, I imagine. You've got to think with the times, Mick and get with the trends. Global warming is global which means it effects everything.

We'll have to leave it there.

Excuse me, I haven't finished informing my customers.

Our audience knows enough

You know if it wasn't for the bloody media, we wouldn't need to have this discussion.

I'm sorry, how is your campaign to disadvantage consumers the media's fault?

If the media didn't get its knickers in a knot about the margin of difference between the price of Australian goods and those sold by the overseas scum, we wouldn't be getting abused by people on the internet now, would we?

How did the media find out about your prices?

We advertised.

And who sold the computers to the people labelling you greedy bigwigs?

We did.

Thanks for your time.

Everything I've said is non-refundable. A pleasure doing business with you.

Copyright 2011 @ MelrosePolitics

ANOTHER LIFE CHANGING SURVEY

How do you seperate those who've been naughty from those who are nice? It's all in the vocal chords, writes Mick Cartonne.

Image Source - Wikipedia

There are plenty of useless, renewable resources our planet is not running out of. Cheating partners and inane academic studies are on that list.

But now it seems they are jumping into bed with each other for a common purpose.

According to the latest edition of online journal, Evolutionary Psychology, there is a link between voice pitch and infidelity.

The study asked participants to listen to two versions of recorded clips from both a male voice and a female voice. They were in higher and lower pitches.

When asked which one, from each pair of voices, was more likely to cheat sexually on their romantic partner,  the women believed the lower the man's voice, the more likely he's going to cheat.

In other words a radio career may not be for you. Amen.

A POETIC PLANET

THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE IS RATED HH; HOPEFULLY HUMOROUS.

The pollies in NSW have 22 days left to convince you who to vote for. But some have already made their mind up including stand-up poetry star, Benji Olten.


Public speaking as demonstrated by Cicero

After recently opting for a career change, Olten has turned to the wonderful world of prose and will now write for Melrose Politics every Friday.

Each week Olten will attempt to pass the time by casting a comical interpretation of the most important stories and people being brought into our lives care of the mainstream media.

This week he turns to the biggest event in 2011 that Events NSW is not promoting in its advertising campaign; the State Election.

Casting Off
Benji Olten

There's a speaker in there
A few dickheads as well
There are leaders playing games
And electricity to sell
Keep an open mind when you vote outside
For none of the C....

Melrose Politics is unable to continue with the rest of this poem due to linguistic difficulties. We recommend you watch an old episode of CHEERS on YouTube. Thank You.

WHEN TECHNOLOGY WORKS

Australians played a new version of knock and run yesterday but nobody in the Commonwealth Bank could see the fun side, writes Mick Cartonne.

It started like a small peaceful protest but soon got right out of control. That's one way of summing up the people's response to the technical fault Australia's biggest bank had to have on Tuesday.

A fault (I prefer to call it a refund) in the technology which operates Commonwealth Bank cash machines allowed customers to withdraw more than their account balance.

News of the glitch spread quickly and callers to a Sydney talkradio station reported long queues in Villawood, Glebe, Chatswood and Macquarie Park with people attempting to take advantage of the situation at the expense of the CBA's shareholders and management. Geez, I wonder why.

For many this was a fantasy come true and one too hard to resist taking advantage of.

Finally after years of being on the recieving end of excessive charges, higher-than-normal interest rates for loans and opening hours convenient for dole bludgers not workers, this was a win for the good guys; the little Aussie battlers.

Some actually thought there was a new fiscal policy in town called "free cash" (or an uncapped carbon copy of the government's "stimulus package")

Another conspiracy doing the rounds was that this was proof that the new People's Parliament in NSW was really working.

Unfortunately, anyone subscribing to such theories were wrong.

Just like the Global Financial Crisis, this was an accident.

The only difference being that if you go to jail for "accidentally" getting too excited at your new found wealth, there will be no "bail out" for you. That's part of the privilege of lacking power and influence.

One talkback caller claimed two of his friends had withdrawn $500 from an ATM in Gymea when their accounts had only a few dollars in them. Was he for real or ribbing the media and its audience? In the short term, this is hard to verify.

Detective Superintendent Col Dyson from the State Crime Command's fraud squad warned it was a criminal offence to keep excess money dispensed from an ATM and that it would eventually have to be returned to the bank.

Paul Murray reminded his audience on Sky News last night that to participate in the great cash swindal would be akin to leaving your wallet behind at the scene of a crime, considering you could only withdraw excess amounts using your individual ATM card, which funnily enough has all your details on it.

So I guess for many people out there, you'll be doing a lot of sweating about the prospect of getting a knock on your door in the middle of the night from an evil shareholder demanding you hand "their" money back.

I just wonder how many people had a flutter on the horses with their "new" savings. That's what I call the "Double Trouble Extra Jail Term Deposit Super Special."

What will your excuse be if you find yourself down at your local police station trying to explain why you can't pay the rent but can drive a new Bentley?

Here are my top 5 free cash excuses:
1. Pardon me, Officer. I didn't think I was stealing. I thought it was interest earned.
2. I heard about banking reforms on the news and thought this was a rebate.
3. My wife told me to get fit, so I decided to go for a run on the bank.
4. The Government told me the economy was growing.
5. I didn't know bank bonuses were exclusively monopolised by the greedy.

TRUE STORIES

From the Hard To Believe files
Mick Cartonne

Ideological independence took on a whole new meaning during Sweden's 2002 General Election.





Sweden's national legislative assembly, the Riksdag

According to author Phil Mason in his new book, Dead Man Wins Election, Teres Kirpikli, a female member of the Swedish conservative Christian Democrat Party, once campaigned on the platform that pornography should be broadcast on national television throughout Saturdays so as to encourage more people to have sex to help boost the country's population.

'I want erotica and porn on television every Saturday and all day,' she said.

'I think most people like porn, even though they don't want to admit it.'

She was quickly dropped by her party leadership.

Who would've ever thought; a politician wanting you to get more bang for your buck.