A CHANGE OF PLANS

If anybody in the NSW Liberal Party is looking for campaign wit that is a real change from safe, low-risk slogans, Mick Cartonne has a few ideas.

Yesterday the Liberals gave us this at their election launch.



After four consecutive election losses, they opted for a low-risk piece of marketing magic to help get them across the line on March 26.

We now have a choice between accepting Kristina Keneally's apology or backing 'Real Change for NSW'.

If I was running the show (and there are probably many people who are glad I am not), I would have run with a number of better alternative one-liners.

Borrowing the philosophy of "truth in advertising" from my favourite Dudley Moore movie, Crazy People, would I feel raise interest levels in this campaign.

For some strange reason humour is more often then not avoided by conservative political parties.  That seems to be the domain of the Labor Party and their creative supporters.

But if the NSW Liberal party is to be taken seriously, let's go for growth and adopt real change by moving forward with better alternative slogans like these:

1. The Liberals. Circumcising the incompetence

2. Real Political Climate Change is coming.

3. The NSW Economy. We're risking it all for you

4. Life's a risk. Trust us.

5. The right people to blame.

Which slogan would you adopt if you ran the Liberal Party? I'd love to hear from you.

DON'T FALL FOR DEBT

Debt is not the only pathway to success for school leavers pondering the future. Avoiding it is the key, writes self-taught media hunk, Mick Cartonne.

                      

Just as quickly as you ran out of the school gates for the last time, you want to get back into the routine of structured learning. But this time Mum and Dad aren’t paying your next set of tertiary-school fees. You are. 

Welcome to the adult world.

University. It’s a place where if you don’t feel like turning up to class on a Monday morning, nobody gives a shit. On the flip side if one day of recreational leave turns into a six month bad habit and you start falling behind in exams, assignments and study tutorials, you’ll still get an education.

It’s called learning the hard way about the pitfalls of poor self-management.

According to a 2009 report from the Australian Council for Educational Research, teaching staff expect one in ten students want to drop out.

Which leads me to ask how many teachers also want to drop out and spend more time with their peers at a nude beach? Sorry, no figures available for that yet.

If you do happen to become a graduate from the school of hard knocks by taking out honours in dropping out, the ghost of HECS will haunt you.

And if you don’t drop out of school and manage to complete your Law degree after starting out with an Arts degree and then a year of Business Studies, you'll definately be spending the rest of your life trying to win powerball lotto to pay back Julia Rulia if you don’t land a prestigious high-paying job.

The yellow brick road has two routes and both seem to offer dead ends.

If you don’t go to uni, you don’t get a look in at the best paying jobs. And if you do take up an offer to study for a degree in law, commerce, medicine or communications, you definitely end up in debt.

Getting a good job (and keeping it) to pay off that debt, buy a trophy home and become a leader in your field is not guaranteed.  

So perhaps it’s time to take another approach.

Forget climbing the educational ladder of opportunity if you want to become an overnight success story that people are talking about.

Throw away those text-books you took out a loan to pay for and go out and conquer life's opportunities without your liabilities overtaking your assets (if you have any after you turn 18).

The only thing you need to know is rule number 1 in Ben Stein's hit title, 'How to ruin your life'.

'Don't learn any useful skills.'

Why not?

Stein points this out very clearly when he sardonically writes:

'What kind of education did Rhett Butler have, after all? What kind did Elvis Presley have? I didn't see Madonna in grad school or P.Diddy (or whatever name he's going by these days) either.

Yet look at how far they went. You'll do at least as well with good luck and fortune that just happen to drop into your lap."

With that philosophy in mind, it may be time to call upon a contemporary approach to getting ahead in this world faster than you imagined.



The cast of Jackass in action.



Call up any of your friends who own a video camera, run down to the end of your street, find a couple of abandoned shopping trolleys, use an ice cream container as a helmet and then drag race down an extremely high slope, over the edge of a ramp you designed in woodwork class and right into a brick wall.

Design, perform and film another 20 similar stunts and then send your cinematic masterpiece to Hollywood. Like the cast of Jackass, you too will be able to gross over $64 million dollars in North America from 1 film alone.

By discovering your inner stupidity, globalizing and selling it on-screen to dysfunctional families and teenagers, then, and only then, may an education in this country be free.

TAKE THE TIP

If you're in the mood for love except on Valentine's Day, here are some useful tips, writes Mick Cartonne.

THE THREE VALENTINE'S DAY COMMANDMENTS

By Mick Cartonne

1. Participation is compulsory for all those in a relationship. 

The global financial crisis and rising interest rates will not be stamped as valid excuses for non-attendance. Getting out of this event is harder than missing an appointment with your social security representative. Don't bite the hand that strokes you.

2. All gifts must be attached with a card

Wishing your girlriend a happy valentine's day is not enough. This is a really special day when you have to go the extra mile to give her evidence of your love. Without your prose and signature, she cannot play show and tell with her friends and family. Saving the environment and sending her an e-card will result in interrogation and possible water boarding when she throws a cup of hot Nescafe into your lap, ensuring your stick shift is out of action for the next week, further frustrating her.  

3. Read the DVD manual

Your favourite TV  show is on but you don't want to watch it because your in love, right? 

Remember the movie, Groundhog Day where Bill Murray keeps waking up on the same day over and over and over again and it never ends? Valentines Day is every male's chance to live out that scene. Awesome (not!)

Don't think you can just hand over a few flowers, share a quick peck and then get on with living. No, your whole world is put on pause to celebrate the fact that you found someone to have sex with every Saturday night. 

This is not like work, though it feels like it. You cannot chuck a sickie to get out of Valentine's Day and sadly, there is no fast forward button either. 

You'll be celebrating when you wake up in the morning, then you'll get that special email in your inbox at work and finally you'll finish off this most joyous test of endurance with a CED - Compulsory Expensive Dinner, meaning if there is something good on TV tonight, you'd better learn how to time the DVD-Recorder. 

I LUV Valentines Day. Do you?

THE IMAGINARY INTERVIEW

When high-profile people are in the news, Australians turn to one man to cut through the spin and make no sense whatsoever. 

Filing some of the greatest interviews never to have taken place, Mick Cartonne makes his IMAGINARY INTERVIEW debut by fictionally speaking with outgoing NSW Premier, Kristina Keneally.

Mick Cartonne: Outgoing premier, Kerri-Anne Keneally, thanks for your time. 

Kristine Keneally: This is Kristine Keneally, the incumbent Premier of NSW. It's nice to be here.

MC: My apologies, Premier. Due to budget cutbacks, we lost a dozen researchers last week. 

KK: I'm sorry to hear that. Can I just say..

MC: Premier, I'm going to have to interrupt you there for a moment. In news which is just breaking, our management have just sacked all the copy editors due to the next global financial crisis. I'm chatting with future Opposition Leader, Christina Keneally.

With less than 3 months to go until NSW voters head to the polls, how are you and your colleagues feeling?

KK:  We know we've got a tough fight on our hands but I would say, Micheal, that right now the atmosphere is quite electric. 

MC: I'm Mick. Mick Cartonne.

KK Don't you write a funny weekend column for a newspaper?

MC: I get that all the time. But no, I'm not a left-handed writer. There are plenty of subtle differences between myself and the veteran columnist your confusing me with.

KK: Such as?

MC: Well, he's got less hair and scoots around Sydney in a restored Jaguar.

KK: And what do you drive to work, Mick?

MC: Me? Oh, I opt for a Mercedes.

KK: What model?

MC: I usually catch the 190 bus to Palm Peach. 

KK: I'm sure the people of NSW will take comfort in knowing that public transport serves a journalist of your standing very well.   

MC: Premier, before I move on, I've been advised by some of our listeners to wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR.

KK: (Laughs hysterically): Oh Mick, you're killing me with the oxymorons. That's why I listen to this segment every week when parliament isn't sitting.

MC: Well, that's very nice of you to say, Premier, but this is my very first interview. 

KK: I'm sure the people of Newwwwwww Southhhhhhhhhhhh Walesssssss look forward to improving their education care of your weekly wit.

MC: In the past you've admitted you don't like Opposition Leader, Barry O'Farrell and yet according to a December survey taken by Newspoll, 40 per cent of people prefer him over you as Premier. How could so many people be wrong?

KK: I am alarmed by the high levels of poor literacy in this state and that survey you just mentioned simply reinforces the need to address this issue.

MC: With all due respect, how do poor literacy levels amongst the electorate contribute to your governments lack of popularity?

KK: Poor literacy, Mick, prevents the people from being able to read and examine what is on Barry O'Farrell's menu. If they could chew the fat on some of Barry's ideas, I think we'd be in a different state.

MC: And just what is on Barry's menu?

KK: Quite a lot I would imagine.

MC: Can you give an example of a negative policy being spruiked by the NSW Opposition Leader?

KK: Not at the moment, no.

MC: Why not?

KK: He hasn't released them yet.

MC: The policies?

KK:  The negative one's.

MC: How would NSW be worse off if the Liberals regained power in three months time?

KK: My government is very concerned that higher unemployment would immediately follow a change in government.

MC: And where would this new source of unemployment come from?

KK: History indicates to us that positions in the public service would be the most vulnerable.

MC: How many public servants do you expect will lose their jobs under the Liberals?

KK: Specifically speaking?

MC: Yes

KK: One

MC: Which position?

KK: Speculatively speaking?

MC: That'd help.

KK:  My job.

MC: Thanks for your time, Christine

KK: Its always a pleasure chatting with you, Mikel.

All commentary in the above interview is satirically fictitious and not based on real life conversations. We thank you for not taking it seriously, especially the Lawyers. (c) 2010 Melrose Politics.

JOKE OF THE WEEK

Immature Ladies and Gentleman, let's start the week off with a smile.

Credit: WilsonInfo.com

The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn. In large loopy letters it spelt out 'the president sucks'.

Infuriated, he called on the secret service to work out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him there was some bad news and some worse news. 

'Give me the bad news first,' said the President.

'The bad news is that the urine is the Vice President's.'

'How could he do this to me? What could be worse than that?'

'The handwriting is the first lady's.' 

HOWZAT FOR A POEM

Australia's search for sporting salvation continues after England pinched a one wicket win on the last ball in last night's Twenty 20 International at Adelaide Oval. The answer to ending the Aussies woes and restoring national pride could be in this poem, writes Mick Cartonne.

REINSTATE THE GLORY

It's time to cut the costs
And end this nation's rot
We cannot spin a win
In the game that made us kings
Our form has turned to ashes
We're addicted to taking thrashes
Let's take a breath and all yell out, 
IT'S TIME TO MERGE WITH ENGLAND.

It's simple really. No opposition for the Poms equals no losers. We all win.

Got a better poem to describe Australia's tendency to lose every sporting fixture that matters? I'd love to hear from you.

Editor's Note: For those who wish to donate to the flood relief appeal, you can do so by clicking on this link to the Queensland Governments website. I urge you all to give as much as you can. Thanks.

A DEMOCRATIC KNEE SLAPPER

Laughter has the power to get you through anything. That includes a decaying State Labor Government, writes Mick Cartonne.  

Groucho Marx once wrote, "A clown is like an aspirin, only he works twice as fast." 

I found one in today's Daily Telegraph in the letters section. 

Michelle of NSW writes:

"I will be voting for Kristina Keneally at the upcoming election. Why? Because I believe she should be given a chance at a full term on her own merits. People are too quick to cut her down. Let her have four years making her own decisions. I think she can turn things around. Kristina, you still have the support of many who will be voting for you."

Let's address each part of the letter.

1.Michelle will be voting for Kristina Keneally at the upcoming election. I'm not sure blindfolds are allowed into the polling booth at your local high school, Michelle, so you might want to give the NSW Electoral Commission a call and make an inquiry. 

2.I believe she (Kristina Keneally) should be given a chance at a full term on her own merits. A chance to do what? Gain more acting experience in question time so she can successfully audition for an episode of the Bold and the Beautiful? And I hate to remind you Michelle, but one person doesn't make up the government.

3.People are too quick to cut her down. People aren't cutting her down, they're taking a chainsaw to the State Labor party, who god forbid, have been in power since I was a 15-year-old school boy. That's sixteen years.


4. Let her have four years making her own decisions. I think she can turn things around. Independent thinking in the Labor Party means you don't last four years, Michelle. Ask Morris Iemma or Nathan Rees how far that got them. 


5. Kristina, you still have the support of many who will be voting for you. I think you may be confusing sympathy for support Michelle. Write back to me with a post-office box number and I'll forward you a copy of a political reference guide. 

It's a pity Michelle didn't disclose her suburb because somebody needs to visit her local area and  test the water she's drinking.  

Agree with my response? Find me too intolerant to tolerate? Let's debate it.