For any news editor who stumbles into a late-breaking international story of Paris Hilton proportions, the above reaction is pretty normal not to mention common.
It took a while but the royal family story of all stories for 2010 finally unfolded before our very eyes with word coming from Buckingham Palace that Queen Elizabeth II has canceled a Christmas party for her staff this year due to the tough economic climate.
Such disbelief has not taken my heart ransom since buying a non-refundable copy of The F Word only to learn it is a book about real-life feminism and not the history of the most important piece of profanity ever invented to describe one's work colleagues in the media.
UK newspaper,The Sun, is reporting that her majesty thought it best to "show restraint" instead of a good time for the 1200 guests who included staff from three royal residences and the queen's private estates.
In the only good news, sources close to the family believe her majesty's corgis will still receive their bonus doggy biscuits made from a recipe not even Colonel Sanders could crack.
The party, which is held every two years, normally costs around 50,000 pounds (80,686.69 $AUS). That's about thirteen and half thousand more than the average full-time adult total earnings ($62,116) in Australia.
But hang on a sec.
If there's one thing we've all learned about event management, it's that the "show must go on", a famous phrase used predominantly in the entertainment industry, meaning regardless of what happens (such as the lead singer breaking a nail), the show still goes ahead for the audience.
There are four moments of orgasmic pleasure I look forward to on an annual basis.They are in no particular order of preference.
1. Finding a taxi to take me home on New Year's Day.
2. Completing my tax returns with the most important person in my life. The accountant.
3. Beating my ex-wife in an ebay bid to buy something nice for my current missus.
4. The all-you-can drink office christmas party
Noel Coward wrote a song in the 1950's aptly titled "Why must the show go on?".
Lizzy, after discovering that office-party hangovers cost the British economy £66.5 million, your economic prudence is understandable if not admirable.
Oh, if only we the people could knight you with the John Howard Medal for spring financial cleaning on the balance-sheet.
However, I'd like to present you with some very good reasons why the Royal Doulton's should still come out of the cupboard and create some christmas cheer this festive season, even if it involves no-frills products.
THE CHRISTMAS BONING
Where there are are lights, mobile phones with recording features capable of being uploaded onto You Tube and lots of booze, there is an opportunity for some festive workplace reform.With governments constantly tinkering with industrial laws to give the impression that they care about employees more than they do employers, it'S getting harder and harder to strike-out the Mr and Mrs annoyings of this world who spend more time sitting around debating who should win Big Brother than actually contributing value to the labour force.
The office christmas party is the one last bastion of hope for immediate dismissal.
A favourite strategy of bosses with no ethics is to research which members of staff are on the verge of buying a demtel tv product to bring each other down and then sitting them together side-by-side on the table closest to the bar. That's not such a fruitless information exercise for management to undertake following a study published in the Sunday Times which revealed that one in two office parties ends up with colleagues fighting.
Naturally, this will give rivals X and Y the chance to slog it out over their long list of grievances between the starter and the main course, spoiling the event for everyone and giving people an excuse to go home early. By this stage, it will become evident someone needs to walk the plank and there are plenty of witnesses to back you up if your decision to axe X and Y is appealed in some silly tribunal.
Industry insiders have known for centuries that the best Christmas gift of all is not under the tree but in the human resources department labeled under a file called mistakes to be fixed - these people.Let's face the facts.Unemployment is the gift that keeps on giving people a reason to get off Santa's naughty list next year.
FOSTER MULTI-SKILLING
You won't find a better opportunity to sample some of your employees hidden skills than during the staff celebration of yuletide. Upon discovering your Butler knows how to photocopy his buttocks,you can promote from within the next time you need to hire a new secretary. Skills development at Christmas time. Isn't that the greatest gift of all?
RE-DISCOVERING TRUE LOVE
In a recent survey undertaken by Australian telecommunications company, Telstra, more than 2 out of 3 Australians under the age of 35 admitted texting or calling their ex lovers after going out and drinking too much. Can too much eggnog have that effect on people? I don't know but I do know this. We are taught in Sunday School straight jackets that God brought his son into the world via a stable to an unstable planet as an act of love. Love is the essential theme of Christmas.
It was James Earl Jones who once wisely told us that, “one of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.” If free booze and an office christmas party is the social laxative that can unmute people's true feelings and help them re-connect with the former love of their life or experience a clinch under the mistletoe to get over the ex spreading rumours about impotence on facebook, surely this is more important to the well-being of society than simple economics.
Love, not money, makes the world go round.
What else would you like to see canceled in 2010 as part of the well-to-do's socio-economic image enhancement?
Send your suggestions via the comments section below or email yours truly at mickcartonne@gmail.com.
All wishes will be forwarded onto Santa Claus.
Photo Credit: NASA/Bill Ingalls
If Buckingham Palace has cancelled the Royal Christmas Party, due to the financial climate, that shows what a royal mess is the British economy thanks to years of Labor Party economic mismanagement !
ReplyDelete