SICK OF ABSENCE

We've all done it because we know others are doing it too. It would seem the great Australian dream is to take a sickie, writes Mick Cartonne. 

Image credit: Employment Law Handbook.com.au

A survey conducted by recruitment services company, Hallis, found that a whopping 42 per cent of the Australian workforce admits to taking unscheduled days off for reasons other than being sick.  


Employers are said to be, well, sick of this.  
  
For those thinking about having a three-day weekend this week, watch out; practical handbooks advising bosses about employment law are not getting dust on them.

There are four theoretical ways to stop people from pulling a fast one. I'll give you an example of how I'd convert those policies from theory into practice 

1. Identify the causes for an employee’s absenteeism.

If you can find out why an employee is consistently absent, you can deal more effectively with the problem. That's fair. For instance, if your least productive worker is often absent because the media got him excited about the current Ashes series, you could offer to buy them an online subscription to the bat and ball game and let them watch some of the game live on a PC. Everybody wins. 

2. Implement a thorough record system. 

Record the date, duration and reason for the absenteeism. If the second in charge team leader keeps getting drunk on Friday and is unable to find his house come Monday morning, go drinking with them so you can help them to find a post-hangover clean pair of underpants and so they won't turn up to work with bad BO. Good hygiene equals a happy workforce.

3. Meticulously follow up on each case of absenteeism.  

Ring up Human Resources and find out the address of your bedridden colleague,  then send around the workplace nurse to make sure Mr or Mrs Sick are NOT doing anything....to re-aggravate their problem. Record the reaction offered by your employee to all medical assistance offered. Maybe even include the footage on a bloopers tape at the end-of-year office Christmas Party.

4. Properly inform and regularly update your employees about your standards and policies regarding absenteeism.

Send around a company email alerting people to any changes you've made to the absenteeism policy e.g anyone seen on TV at a live sporting event or spotted shopping in the background of story shown on the Six PM news will be offered counseling after they are terminated. 

But hang on. What is the basis for believing your employee is having you on? 

I'd like to think that a quick recovery from hurting your knee getting out of bed followed by a return to the office the very next day is a miracle or an act of faith healing. Besides, a happy, well rested employee is a productive one. 

For those who do find themselves in an employer-employee show trial after damaging a disc in your back trying to change the wheel of the bus that broke down on your way to work, remember to always be equipped with quick wit when returning to the office. Here's an example.

Boss: I noticed you took a sick day yesterday
Employee; Yeah, but I'm getting a bit sick of talking about it.
Boss: Did you bring in a doctors certificate with you?
Employee: Nup
Boss: Why not?
Employee: My doctor was unwell.

 
If you are going to try and find a way to beat the system that pays you not to join the dole queue, listen to the advice of Addie Johnson, author of The Little Book of Big Excuses, who has some practical advice for us all (minus any bosses reading this);

"Don't call with every symptom known to man. Keep it simple sicky. If you're calling up with the flu, you don't need to tell your boss that you have nausea, vertigo and the shakes."

"Keep it simple, so you can get in and get out."