SICK OF ABSENCE

We've all done it because we know others are doing it too. It would seem the great Australian dream is to take a sickie, writes Mick Cartonne. 

Image credit: Employment Law Handbook.com.au

A survey conducted by recruitment services company, Hallis, found that a whopping 42 per cent of the Australian workforce admits to taking unscheduled days off for reasons other than being sick.  


Employers are said to be, well, sick of this.  
  
For those thinking about having a three-day weekend this week, watch out; practical handbooks advising bosses about employment law are not getting dust on them.

There are four theoretical ways to stop people from pulling a fast one. I'll give you an example of how I'd convert those policies from theory into practice 

1. Identify the causes for an employee’s absenteeism.

If you can find out why an employee is consistently absent, you can deal more effectively with the problem. That's fair. For instance, if your least productive worker is often absent because the media got him excited about the current Ashes series, you could offer to buy them an online subscription to the bat and ball game and let them watch some of the game live on a PC. Everybody wins. 

2. Implement a thorough record system. 

Record the date, duration and reason for the absenteeism. If the second in charge team leader keeps getting drunk on Friday and is unable to find his house come Monday morning, go drinking with them so you can help them to find a post-hangover clean pair of underpants and so they won't turn up to work with bad BO. Good hygiene equals a happy workforce.

3. Meticulously follow up on each case of absenteeism.  

Ring up Human Resources and find out the address of your bedridden colleague,  then send around the workplace nurse to make sure Mr or Mrs Sick are NOT doing anything....to re-aggravate their problem. Record the reaction offered by your employee to all medical assistance offered. Maybe even include the footage on a bloopers tape at the end-of-year office Christmas Party.

4. Properly inform and regularly update your employees about your standards and policies regarding absenteeism.

Send around a company email alerting people to any changes you've made to the absenteeism policy e.g anyone seen on TV at a live sporting event or spotted shopping in the background of story shown on the Six PM news will be offered counseling after they are terminated. 

But hang on. What is the basis for believing your employee is having you on? 

I'd like to think that a quick recovery from hurting your knee getting out of bed followed by a return to the office the very next day is a miracle or an act of faith healing. Besides, a happy, well rested employee is a productive one. 

For those who do find themselves in an employer-employee show trial after damaging a disc in your back trying to change the wheel of the bus that broke down on your way to work, remember to always be equipped with quick wit when returning to the office. Here's an example.

Boss: I noticed you took a sick day yesterday
Employee; Yeah, but I'm getting a bit sick of talking about it.
Boss: Did you bring in a doctors certificate with you?
Employee: Nup
Boss: Why not?
Employee: My doctor was unwell.

 
If you are going to try and find a way to beat the system that pays you not to join the dole queue, listen to the advice of Addie Johnson, author of The Little Book of Big Excuses, who has some practical advice for us all (minus any bosses reading this);

"Don't call with every symptom known to man. Keep it simple sicky. If you're calling up with the flu, you don't need to tell your boss that you have nausea, vertigo and the shakes."

"Keep it simple, so you can get in and get out."

A NECESSARY SICKIE

If you rang in sick 24-hours after Prince Willy and Katie Middletone announced they were engaged, don't feel bad. I too was tempted to rush to the liquor cabinet and empty it by the time we got to the weather report, writes Mick Cartonne. 

Unless you've been on holidays in a resort run by the Exclusive Brethren, you will know by now that Prince William will not be appearing on Dating in the Dark on Fox 8 in the near future.

That's cause he's preparing to tie the knot with his sweetheart, Catherine. 

Credit:Gridge (Wikipedia)

Meanwhile for the rest of us trying to divorce ourselves from the obsessive media coverage of this love story, escape is futile.  

Just in case you're still not really interested in this story, British papers are providing their readers with royal engagement souvenir extra editions.

This is a practical thing, particularly with a new round of national government welfare cuts making toilet paper a luxury for families, the unemployed, the sick and the disabled.

You cannot clean up your dog's mess with an iPAD or eat fish and chips from it. But you can do this with the extra 9 pages the Royals are taking up in your weekend tabloid.

My irritation is not with Prince Willy or Katie Middletone. They are not responsible for the interest shown by the press.

Credit: Nick Warner (Wikipedia)

However a secret drive thru wedding in Las Vegas for only $199.00 (US) may very well have provided us with some form of intellectual vaccination from the the media torture. This was within their control. 

I hope future royals will consider this before they send out an official press release. Boycott engagements, I say, and just get the blessed event over and done with. Maybe even do it via Skype to save on airfares for all those fat relatives who take up two seats in business class.  

A news bulletin is meant to feature a series of individual stories NOT a series of stories devoted to one irrelevant subject. That's how you lose ratings.

But that theory went right out the window on Wednesday night because nobody had the foresight to give the story the REAL attention it deserved, that being two minutes of airtime and no more.

What happened to editorial judgement and all the other crap people are being taught in journalism school? 

After the first five minutes, I became equally as enraged as a pedestrian running late for an appointment being held up by three fat people taking up the entire footpath in a one way street. 
There was no way out.  

Change over to Channel 9 from 7 and you saw the same footage of Catherine in her youth. 

Switch to Ten, hoping for an episode of the Simpsons and the entire family including the dog, suffered a breakdown watching a documentary on....WILLY AND KATE.

My last bastion of defense from this irrelevant story, the ABC, soon let me down as they too behaved like giggling school girls attending a Justine Bieber concert. 

We got served the same dribble on their 7pm bulletin and then they saturated us even more on the 7:30 report. It got to the point where I was starting to question God's whereabouts in all of this.

Perhaps he too went for an extended toilet break.

Just as Kerry Packer told programming at Channel 9 to "get this shit off the air" back in 1992 during the short-lived broadcast of Australia's Naughtiest Home Videos, someone in government should have rang up the networks, tapped the producers on the shoulder and told them in strong words not suitable for publication; WE GET THE F%$#@&% point!.

They wouldn't have lost any votes finding the courage to speak up on behalf of Australian viewers.

One question though still bothers me about the so-called love story of the 21st century. 

In the future, will the same level of coverage be provided should the couple break-up?

Will some blonde bimbo interview a fashion designer about what Kate or William should wear if they decide to break up with each other for a second time?

Are bookies going to give us odds on a divorce settlement figure?

I'm pretty sure that in 2045, Peter Luck will host an episode of Where Are They Now on Channel Seven during the non-ratings summer season. 

He'll take a look back at the history of the new royal couple and then ask the audience to call in and tell him where they were when William and Kate got engaged. 

I'll probably ring up and reply, 'I was busy trying to change the batteries of the tv remote so I could use the mute button on long play.'


Opinions expressed are those of the author ONLY and not any sources assisting in the presentation of the above article. 

EASY LEARNING

The Education Revolution took on a whole new meaning this week, writes Mick Cartonne. 

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the smartest student of them all? Answer: the one up the back of the classroom chatting to his international contacts on his Wireless Connected IPHONE. 

This week the Australian media reported that Aussie high school and university students were outsourcing their homework to sweatshops in India, Pakistan and Egypt.

Those students get an A for innovation.  
 
Would all the economics teachers please stop laughing in the hallways? Your distracting your students from negotiating an important trade agreement. Shhhhhhh!!!! Thank you.
 
The story leads us to believe that for as little as $2, you can have an English essay or Maths paper completed for you.

According to the Daily Telegraph, a 23-year-old Pakistani graduate admitted to producing essays and papers for high school and university students at a bargain-basement price of $2 per 100 words.
 
"It's my part-time job,", Mohammed Ali Khan from Islamabad told the tabloid paper.
 
"Australians mainly ask for university papers but I've done some high-school work, too."
 
Wow. Nothing could possibly go wrong with this little hair-brained scheme, except maybe say, parent-teacher night. 

I can see how the scheme would come undone. Something along these lines.

 Mr and Mrs Howard turn up to Higgins High School to find out how their son, John, is performing.

Teacher: Mr and Mrs Howard, I'm afraid I've got some bad news. Little Johnny's assignments are illegible.
Mr Howard: But he's still passing them, isn't he?
Teacher: That has yet to be determined by most of his teachers.
Mrs Howard: Oooh, dear.This sounds serious.
Teacher: It is. I'm afraid not one teacher has been able to mark or critique any of John's work this semester, making it impossible to rank him with his intellectual peers.
Mr Howard: Well, what exactly is the problem?
Teacher: We can't read his writing.
Mr Howard: For god's sake, man, he's a year 7 high school student, not a bloody doctor. We fixed his running writing in Summer School.
Teacher: His writing his legible. But we would prefer it if he'd submit all future work in English.
Mr Howard: Stone the crows. What's he been writing in?
Teacher: In standard Hindi.
Mr Howard: IN WHAT?
Teacher: Your son is an outstanding Indian writer.
Mr Howard: Then he's obviously passing at least one of his subjects.
Teacher: We don't teach that language at Higgins High.

For the record, it was not THAT John Howard.

Matt Barrie, founder of www.freelancer.com, a website which puts small businesses in touch with affordable labour in emerging economies claims homework assignments were frequently submitted to his site.

"We get them all the time. As a lecturer myself, I really don't approve, but kids will be kids - they will always find a way to cheat."

Is this really cheating or the discovery of a positive use for globalization? You decide.

In a world where the authentically inauthentic appear to be sapping the top-dollars and getting the big breaks, its hard not to subscribe to a simple philosophy.

When it comes to getting ahead, It's not what you know but who you know that knows what you don't. 

Outsourcing...is this the answer? Maybe. I just hope it's the right one come exam time.

THE PEOPLE'S JOKE

I  thought I'd share with you this cracker that I discovered in the imagination volt this morning. Enjoy.

Caller: Hello, I've just been robbed.
Police: Where are you, now?
Caller: I'm at home.
Police: Did you get a good look at the perpetrator?
Caller: Yeah. It was the bank.
Police: Which bank?

FUNDING GREED

The war against excess economic fat just got uglier, with keywords such as fair and affordable overlooked by those in charge of our standard of living, writes Mick Cartonne. 

Tonight's edition of statistical pain is proudly brought to you by the banks. Which bank? All the bloody banks.  

There were plenty of losers left red-faced last week in the game of life played out on that expensive island called Australia. 

Many backed the wrong horse, "We think we can pay" in the mortgage cup and made a bigger-than-expected loss when the interest rates rose on Tuesday afternoon. 

After a slow start, "We've got you by the balls" ridden by Missing CEO and trained by Greedo Excelcius, found his way back to the middle of the pack and then on the final turn, punished the punters who believed the advice of the so-called experts and backed the favourite school of thought; that that odds of a rate-rise were very low due to lower-than-expected inflation figures released the previous week. 


I am sorry to report but in the end the party was crashed when Australia's central bank opted for a 0.25 percentage-point increase in the official interest rate. 

With Christmas just around the corner, Commonwealth CEO Ralph Norris, then decided to get in on the spirit of giving by surprising us not with lollies in the fireplace stocking but with a loan repayment invoice, 0.2 points above the official cash rate.

Regardless of who lived in the mortgaged manger be it Jesus, Mary,Joseph, you or I, the CBA was determined to set itself up for a $1 billion windfall care of extracting just little a bit more blood from those who can least afford it, so to make the balance sheet look a little bit better. 

And we are just going to have to make a seasonal adjustment to our lifestyles to deal with it. How is this achieved? By decreasing our purchasing power. 

That means many Aussies will either have to eliminate the smoothest brand of toilet paper from their supermarket shopping list or cut back on petrol by canceling their yearly trip to the nursing home to see Grandma win the annual Premier's spelling bee using profanity that should be reserved exclusively for State Parliament question time. 

The message to the receivers (everyone with a loan) could not be any louder or clearer; we the banks are going to fiscally beat you up, but we're not going to kill you. That's our gift to you this Christmas. We'll keep you breathing, because we need you make another payment . 

Lots of silly statements from people in positions of power and influence soon followed. The merry-go-round went like this.

Someday opposition leader,Julia Gillard got 'angry', Future treasurer, Joe Hockey, pulled ideas out of his hat and ANZ boss, Mike Smith became less popular by accusing Hockey of populism. 

All good fun if the issue wasn't so serious for homeowners and businesses.  

After a short but noticeable absence from the reaction his organizations decision to inflict more pain than necessary, King Ralph eventually came out of his international hiatus.

In a statement unlikely to make it into the next edition of Great Comments of the 21st Century, the highly paid chief ($16.2 million per annum) of the Commonwealth Bank told the Daily Telegraph it was better to see "a few" foreclosures than have an economy hamstrung by a low profit banking system.

Better for who, Ralph?  

Shareholders with extra-large mansions, holiday homes, flash cars and enough credit to buy all their neighbours kids an X-box? 

The situation was already absurd after Westpac CEO Gail Kelly called for 'calm'  in the battle between Australia's major banks and the government over interest rates with the threat of regulation.  

That's easy to say for someone with the second highest salary package in the local banking sector. 

I'll do you a deal, Gail. I'll calm down if you donate all of your performance-bonus pay to a small group of less fortunate Australians. 

Okay, so you may have to forgo building a third wine cellar. Would it really hurt to lend a hand to those who need it and drink to that instead?

Strike that original idea. Let's issue the greater social good challenge to all CEO's of all commercial banks. 

Create a promotion, where on Christmas Eve, instead of getting fatter, you go on an economic diet to promote a healthier and happier society by paying off the mortgages of three struggling homeowners. 

I know what the response from the banks will be to this idea; sorry, we're a business not a charity. 

I forgot. Humanitarian causes don't affect the market value positively enough. What on earth was I thinking? I should stop drinking marxist cordial. 

The last time I checked though, you didn't need to be a communist or a socialist to have a conscience. 

Long before the 0.45 per cent rate rise arrived on the 2nd of November, other economic, political and social units operating the levers of revenue creation within the community, have been gorging on far too many party pooper pies. 

They too, deserve their fare share of recognition this week.
We cannot just blame the banks for the promotion of insensitive forms of economic vandalism.

State public transport, the Federal Government and Business lobby groups are also in on the great Australian feeding frenzy. 

A reader of mine informed me by email that he had a metaphorical gun held to his head last week. 

Awarded some extra-hours in his workplace, Phil McCrotch, started work at 7:30am instead of 9:30am. As a direct result, he no longer forked out $5.40 for a return fare to the city, but rather had to dig deep and hand over $8.00 because he was traveling at peak hour and not in an off-peak period. 

What added-value did State Rail provide Phil with to justify this extra investment?

An empty seat, a portable bed-pan for those long-trips that are made longer by bonus delays on the Harbour Bridge or even an upgrade to hygienic first-class?   

Phil's ROI (return on investment) came in the form of a dividend known widely in economic circles as NOTHING. 

This was the same amount offered to me recently by the editor of regional paper to write a column. I kindly refused. 

Unfortunately, you don't get a choice when traveling to work.

Its quite simple really. You fork out the extra-dollars or you wait until the off-peak hours and arrive late to your place of employment (if you are lucky to have one). Some choice. 

Peak-hour fares never hit peak popularity amongst Sydney commuters because they were never designed to be fair in the first place. A bit like the set-up of the free market where according to Margaret Thatcher 'society does not exist.'
 
Then we have the Federal Government using make believe emotional rhetoric, rehearsing and then delivering hollow dialect with violins playing in the background as they pretend to be on our side against the big bad banks, when in fact this is the same mob that uses a progressive taxation system to charge us income tax in as many ways as is plausible.

Under the income tax assessment act, interest earned on a term deposit is fully assessable for income tax in the tax year it is paid, despite the fact the most of the money ever entered into these type of accounts usually stems from wages that have already had tax deducted.

So anybody who benefits from the decision of both the RBA and the individual banks, they too are becoming progressively poorer.   

Never mind the fact that all funds earned in those deposits could be used for practical measures such as individual donations to the political parties come election time or heaven forbid, paying for private health insurance to reduce numbers on the public hospital waiting list. 

The Commonwealth Government is nothing short of two-faced, regardless of which party is in power. They give us a hug with one arm and elbow us in the ribs with the other. 

Not that they couldn't do anything about this.

Just as we have a means test on couples earning up to $150,000  as it relates to the 30 per cent private health rebate (singles $75,000), what's to say we couldn't make the first $100,000 of a household's term deposit tax-free? 
  
Nope, good ideas in this country are too expensive for the same bastards that the defunct Democrats forgot to keep honest.  

BUT WAIT. THERE'S STILL MORE. As if you haven't had enough pain for one week.

The Australian Industry Group is applying to cancel Christmas and New Year's Day penalty rates, arguing companies shouldn't have to pay staff extra - despite the NSW government, declaring them public holidays.

Our brave friends in the employer group believe penalty rates should only be paid to staff working the substitute holidays - the following Monday and Tuesday - as Christmas, Boxing Day and New Year's Day fall on a weekend.

I can kind of understand why this is happening. 

As Ross Gittins points out this week, small businesses often pay more on their indicator interest rate than home buyers. Some businesses need to save more money by spending less on employees to help manage their bank loans to keep the business afloat. 

But with an incoming Liberal State Government due next March and one which will probably have an insane amount of power, there is a good chance the employers will get some form of win on the public holiday issue in the future. 

In other words don't be surprised if Santa Clause goes into a NSW Public Hospital for lap band surgery in the New Year but instead undergoes a personality makeover that turns him into scrooge.  

I'm not going to get into an economic argument with the Sydney Morning Herald's leading economic writer. I came last in economics in year 12 and he didn't. 

Gittins is right when he says 'If I'm on the right track, the claim that there's no competition between the banks will be seen as false.' 

I've milked plenty out of the banks by threatening to walk away though sometimes I did have to go through with this threat to get a better result.

But when he says people such as retirees, those who rent and/or those saving for a home deposit are benefiting from savings deposited with banks, that's where I will debate him.  
The renters, in particular, will lose what they earn in their deposit accounts to the Taxman and then possibly have to spend most of what is left on paying the extra payments via rent rises on the landlords investment property. 

The type of term deposit they have will determine if they can shed their money quickly or not. A Westpac Reward Saver account is easier to transfer funds from then a fixed term Deposit. 

But still, they'll eventually end up raiding the accounts that work for them if the institutes helping them continue hurting their landlords mortage repayments.

All because the banks went beyond the call of duty and the Governments don't want to restructure the tax system in case they become as unpopular as a bout of herpes and need some money for a public awareness campaign.

Hello..............the community is already aware that governments don't promote the best ideas on offer. We don't need more money wasted on telling us what we already know care of the nightly news. 
 
You are right, Ross. There's plenty of competition. But it's between the banks and the Australian government who are mainly involved in the business of self-wealth management. 

The moral of the story is a simple one; the next time a credit card company tells you in a TV commercial 'don't leave home without it', take a deep breath and avoid panicking. 

Chances are you won't have a home to leave it in for very much longer. 

If you feel like a whale being attacked by Sharks on one side and Piranhas on the other, don't worry. You are not alone.

BEFORE I FORGET.....

On my tea break from the hassles of everyday living, I managed to switch on the greatest worst tournament of all in football, the Rugby League Four Nations. The world's weakest team, Papua New Guinea, battled bravely against the globe's most useless side, England. Steve McNamara's poms obviously need Julia Gillard to give them a good talking to about moving forward while PNG need to set up an attacking football academy because until they do all their energy, effort and execution put into turning up to play is a waste of time no matter who is coaching them. I think we can all agree that a Kangaroos win next Saturday will simply mean next year's tournament might need to be re-christened the ONE NATIONS.