THE IMAGINARY INTERVIEW

In an EXCLUSIVE NSW Election Day special, Barry O'Fahrenheight makes his premiere debut in Australia's most famous fictional segment, the Imaginary Interview.

Mick Cartonne: Barry O ' Fahrenheight,  thanks for your time.

Barry O' Fahrenheight: A pleasure to be here.

MC: Your political opponents are putting all their hopes into the unknown factor. They say people don't know what you really believe in. Some in the NSW ALP think you hold more positions than the Kama Sutra. How do you respond to such claims?

BO: Well, Mick, unlike my favourite football team,  the Wests Tigers, I can only take one standing position on this issue. I'm not going to indulge in negative campaigning because there's nothing negative to say about the Kama Sutra.

MC: If the Liberal/National Coalition is elected on March 26, how will your government work towards getting the state back into better shape?

BO: Two words. Health reform. 72 million dollars will be used to roll out practical based Kama Sutra re-training courses to help working mum's and dad's avoid serious injuries when making love and consequently, reduce waiting lists in public hospital emergency departments. 

MC: Do you believe there is a link between climate change and the upcoming landslide that has been predicted by political scientists?

BO: Mick, the science does indicate that most election results are man-made, so my answer would have to be yes.

MC: You are a big fan of using football analogies in interviews. What can you do to get mother nature back on-side?

BO:It's a well known political philosophy that behind mother nature is a good man.

MC: Don't you mean behind mother nature is a happy man?

BO:I'll leave the trivial stuff to the media, Mick. But where I come in is by working on introducing an incentive based Emissions Reduction Scheme that cuts down carbon output in this state without hurting working families.

MC: And how exactly will this scheme work?

BO: By convincing voters on March 26 to let us do work experience on the other side of the chamber in the Lower House so that we can deliver real political climate change.

MC: After losing four elections in a row, how will your party convince people to get behind you on polling day?

BO: By hopping on a big bus, telling stories in childcare centres and most importantly, by playing tv commercials with scary music featuring photos of former premiers.

MC: But how will this have an impact on lowering emissions?

BO: The science suggests that when Labor is kicked out of office, we see an automatic reduction in the output of hot air and bullshit. So if you want to change the environment for the better, you have to put Labor out of business on election day.

MC: Won't that be bad for democracy?

BO: My sources tell me it'll be good for the political environment.

MC: Who are your sources?

BO:The Liberal Party.

MC: Premier O' Fahrenheight, thanks for your time.

BO: Thanks for your vote. 

JUST A THOUGHT

Warning: My sense of humour has taken sick leave due to the problems the world is facing right now. Should the waiting list for a sponge bath by a pretty nurse be short,  then this serious interruption of all things ridiculous should be very short. Thank you.

DEAR ANYONE WHO CARES

Mother Nature is going to continue acting like a Tim Shaw steak knife commercial. You know the one's where his famous catch line is, 'But wait, there's still more!'.

Guess what. He was onto something.

The ecological infomercials we are witnessing at the moment right around the world will not be interrupted until we take a commercial break from our excess lifestyles.

We have to learn we can't have everything we want regardless of how much we earn or where we live. 

But no, we can't offend people's lifestyle choices can we, even if it's in the name of that slightly important cause called SURVIVAL.

Here's a challenge for you all this week once you get done finishing your crossword or blabbering on your mobile phone about something nonsensical Charlie Sheen said on social networking site, the Twit.

Try finding a politician in a major political party that will stand up to the selfish society and some of the media by speaking the truth.

Oh and by the way, I am not a leftie, I am not an extremist, I am a humanist who believes that it's not the size of your intelligence that counts, it's what you do with it for the greater good of society that matters.

But let's pretend she'll be right and we'll see what happens. 

That'll keep you looking good in the polls while keeping the factions and their lobby group bed buddies on your side.

However I should remind you all of something that might be worth taking into consideration as well.

Mother Earth has never been beaten in a Grand Final football match when her opposition is us.

Just a thought.

MICK CARTONNE MP
(Member of the Public)

THE IMAGINARY INTERVIEW

Changing the media climate with his exclusive access to unbelievable public figures, Australians rely on one man to ask the questions that don't matter...ever.

This week Mick Cartonne chats with the Executive Chairman of a retail brand that likes to inform Governments about consumer tastes.

Mick: Mr Chairman, thanks for joining me.
Chairman: How much is this costing me, son?
Nothing.

What do you mean nothing? This is a radio commercial isn't it?

No, this is a radio interview where you try and sell your side of the story.

What story?

Your latest piece of adult fiction about big retailers who are struggling....

(LAUGHS OUT LOUD) Yes, a very original concept that. More creative than a Harry Potter title.

Can I continue?

Is there any GST involved?

No. You can avoid that by talking to me instead of our advertising department.

I like the way you think son.

We thought you'd like it too, that's why we called you.

You should've emailed me instead, son.

Why?

No GST.

Your involved with a group of retailers campaigning on television to convince the Federal Government to create a more level playing field between Australian retailers and foreign competitors because people who shop online don't pay a Goods and Services tax of 10 per cent on purchases under $1000. What's the feedback been like from your loyal customers?

We haven't got any.

Feedback?

Loyal customers, Mick. If we did we wouldn't be buying our way into trouble with this campaign.

How will the big retail gang measure the success of this anti-GST push?

You mean the information awareness marathon?

Yes

Well, we've certainly exceeded our expectations. That much I can tell you.

Can you give me an example?

I'm very happy to, Mick., Since we started re-shaping the outlook of Australian consumers, my chain of stores has been recording a higher-than-average level of in-store inquiries.

About what?

Our broad range of high-definition television sets.

Are these inquiries purchase-related?

Honestly speaking?

Yes

No.

What are these inquiries about?

Something about turning the TV's off.

When?

During the middle of the day.

Can you tell me when the bulk of your tv commercials are going to air?

When the small hand strikes twelve.

Why do you think you've had so many requests to turn the tv's off in your stores?

Something to do with global warming, I imagine. You've got to think with the times, Mick and get with the trends. Global warming is global which means it effects everything.

We'll have to leave it there.

Excuse me, I haven't finished informing my customers.

Our audience knows enough

You know if it wasn't for the bloody media, we wouldn't need to have this discussion.

I'm sorry, how is your campaign to disadvantage consumers the media's fault?

If the media didn't get its knickers in a knot about the margin of difference between the price of Australian goods and those sold by the overseas scum, we wouldn't be getting abused by people on the internet now, would we?

How did the media find out about your prices?

We advertised.

And who sold the computers to the people labelling you greedy bigwigs?

We did.

Thanks for your time.

Everything I've said is non-refundable. A pleasure doing business with you.

Copyright 2011 @ MelrosePolitics

ANOTHER LIFE CHANGING SURVEY

How do you seperate those who've been naughty from those who are nice? It's all in the vocal chords, writes Mick Cartonne.

Image Source - Wikipedia

There are plenty of useless, renewable resources our planet is not running out of. Cheating partners and inane academic studies are on that list.

But now it seems they are jumping into bed with each other for a common purpose.

According to the latest edition of online journal, Evolutionary Psychology, there is a link between voice pitch and infidelity.

The study asked participants to listen to two versions of recorded clips from both a male voice and a female voice. They were in higher and lower pitches.

When asked which one, from each pair of voices, was more likely to cheat sexually on their romantic partner,  the women believed the lower the man's voice, the more likely he's going to cheat.

In other words a radio career may not be for you. Amen.

A POETIC PLANET

THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE IS RATED HH; HOPEFULLY HUMOROUS.

The pollies in NSW have 22 days left to convince you who to vote for. But some have already made their mind up including stand-up poetry star, Benji Olten.


Public speaking as demonstrated by Cicero

After recently opting for a career change, Olten has turned to the wonderful world of prose and will now write for Melrose Politics every Friday.

Each week Olten will attempt to pass the time by casting a comical interpretation of the most important stories and people being brought into our lives care of the mainstream media.

This week he turns to the biggest event in 2011 that Events NSW is not promoting in its advertising campaign; the State Election.

Casting Off
Benji Olten

There's a speaker in there
A few dickheads as well
There are leaders playing games
And electricity to sell
Keep an open mind when you vote outside
For none of the C....

Melrose Politics is unable to continue with the rest of this poem due to linguistic difficulties. We recommend you watch an old episode of CHEERS on YouTube. Thank You.

WHEN TECHNOLOGY WORKS

Australians played a new version of knock and run yesterday but nobody in the Commonwealth Bank could see the fun side, writes Mick Cartonne.

It started like a small peaceful protest but soon got right out of control. That's one way of summing up the people's response to the technical fault Australia's biggest bank had to have on Tuesday.

A fault (I prefer to call it a refund) in the technology which operates Commonwealth Bank cash machines allowed customers to withdraw more than their account balance.

News of the glitch spread quickly and callers to a Sydney talkradio station reported long queues in Villawood, Glebe, Chatswood and Macquarie Park with people attempting to take advantage of the situation at the expense of the CBA's shareholders and management. Geez, I wonder why.

For many this was a fantasy come true and one too hard to resist taking advantage of.

Finally after years of being on the recieving end of excessive charges, higher-than-normal interest rates for loans and opening hours convenient for dole bludgers not workers, this was a win for the good guys; the little Aussie battlers.

Some actually thought there was a new fiscal policy in town called "free cash" (or an uncapped carbon copy of the government's "stimulus package")

Another conspiracy doing the rounds was that this was proof that the new People's Parliament in NSW was really working.

Unfortunately, anyone subscribing to such theories were wrong.

Just like the Global Financial Crisis, this was an accident.

The only difference being that if you go to jail for "accidentally" getting too excited at your new found wealth, there will be no "bail out" for you. That's part of the privilege of lacking power and influence.

One talkback caller claimed two of his friends had withdrawn $500 from an ATM in Gymea when their accounts had only a few dollars in them. Was he for real or ribbing the media and its audience? In the short term, this is hard to verify.

Detective Superintendent Col Dyson from the State Crime Command's fraud squad warned it was a criminal offence to keep excess money dispensed from an ATM and that it would eventually have to be returned to the bank.

Paul Murray reminded his audience on Sky News last night that to participate in the great cash swindal would be akin to leaving your wallet behind at the scene of a crime, considering you could only withdraw excess amounts using your individual ATM card, which funnily enough has all your details on it.

So I guess for many people out there, you'll be doing a lot of sweating about the prospect of getting a knock on your door in the middle of the night from an evil shareholder demanding you hand "their" money back.

I just wonder how many people had a flutter on the horses with their "new" savings. That's what I call the "Double Trouble Extra Jail Term Deposit Super Special."

What will your excuse be if you find yourself down at your local police station trying to explain why you can't pay the rent but can drive a new Bentley?

Here are my top 5 free cash excuses:
1. Pardon me, Officer. I didn't think I was stealing. I thought it was interest earned.
2. I heard about banking reforms on the news and thought this was a rebate.
3. My wife told me to get fit, so I decided to go for a run on the bank.
4. The Government told me the economy was growing.
5. I didn't know bank bonuses were exclusively monopolised by the greedy.

TRUE STORIES

From the Hard To Believe files
Mick Cartonne

Ideological independence took on a whole new meaning during Sweden's 2002 General Election.





Sweden's national legislative assembly, the Riksdag

According to author Phil Mason in his new book, Dead Man Wins Election, Teres Kirpikli, a female member of the Swedish conservative Christian Democrat Party, once campaigned on the platform that pornography should be broadcast on national television throughout Saturdays so as to encourage more people to have sex to help boost the country's population.

'I want erotica and porn on television every Saturday and all day,' she said.

'I think most people like porn, even though they don't want to admit it.'

She was quickly dropped by her party leadership.

Who would've ever thought; a politician wanting you to get more bang for your buck.

A CHANGE OF PLANS

If anybody in the NSW Liberal Party is looking for campaign wit that is a real change from safe, low-risk slogans, Mick Cartonne has a few ideas.

Yesterday the Liberals gave us this at their election launch.



After four consecutive election losses, they opted for a low-risk piece of marketing magic to help get them across the line on March 26.

We now have a choice between accepting Kristina Keneally's apology or backing 'Real Change for NSW'.

If I was running the show (and there are probably many people who are glad I am not), I would have run with a number of better alternative one-liners.

Borrowing the philosophy of "truth in advertising" from my favourite Dudley Moore movie, Crazy People, would I feel raise interest levels in this campaign.

For some strange reason humour is more often then not avoided by conservative political parties.  That seems to be the domain of the Labor Party and their creative supporters.

But if the NSW Liberal party is to be taken seriously, let's go for growth and adopt real change by moving forward with better alternative slogans like these:

1. The Liberals. Circumcising the incompetence

2. Real Political Climate Change is coming.

3. The NSW Economy. We're risking it all for you

4. Life's a risk. Trust us.

5. The right people to blame.

Which slogan would you adopt if you ran the Liberal Party? I'd love to hear from you.

DON'T FALL FOR DEBT

Debt is not the only pathway to success for school leavers pondering the future. Avoiding it is the key, writes self-taught media hunk, Mick Cartonne.

                      

Just as quickly as you ran out of the school gates for the last time, you want to get back into the routine of structured learning. But this time Mum and Dad aren’t paying your next set of tertiary-school fees. You are. 

Welcome to the adult world.

University. It’s a place where if you don’t feel like turning up to class on a Monday morning, nobody gives a shit. On the flip side if one day of recreational leave turns into a six month bad habit and you start falling behind in exams, assignments and study tutorials, you’ll still get an education.

It’s called learning the hard way about the pitfalls of poor self-management.

According to a 2009 report from the Australian Council for Educational Research, teaching staff expect one in ten students want to drop out.

Which leads me to ask how many teachers also want to drop out and spend more time with their peers at a nude beach? Sorry, no figures available for that yet.

If you do happen to become a graduate from the school of hard knocks by taking out honours in dropping out, the ghost of HECS will haunt you.

And if you don’t drop out of school and manage to complete your Law degree after starting out with an Arts degree and then a year of Business Studies, you'll definately be spending the rest of your life trying to win powerball lotto to pay back Julia Rulia if you don’t land a prestigious high-paying job.

The yellow brick road has two routes and both seem to offer dead ends.

If you don’t go to uni, you don’t get a look in at the best paying jobs. And if you do take up an offer to study for a degree in law, commerce, medicine or communications, you definitely end up in debt.

Getting a good job (and keeping it) to pay off that debt, buy a trophy home and become a leader in your field is not guaranteed.  

So perhaps it’s time to take another approach.

Forget climbing the educational ladder of opportunity if you want to become an overnight success story that people are talking about.

Throw away those text-books you took out a loan to pay for and go out and conquer life's opportunities without your liabilities overtaking your assets (if you have any after you turn 18).

The only thing you need to know is rule number 1 in Ben Stein's hit title, 'How to ruin your life'.

'Don't learn any useful skills.'

Why not?

Stein points this out very clearly when he sardonically writes:

'What kind of education did Rhett Butler have, after all? What kind did Elvis Presley have? I didn't see Madonna in grad school or P.Diddy (or whatever name he's going by these days) either.

Yet look at how far they went. You'll do at least as well with good luck and fortune that just happen to drop into your lap."

With that philosophy in mind, it may be time to call upon a contemporary approach to getting ahead in this world faster than you imagined.



The cast of Jackass in action.



Call up any of your friends who own a video camera, run down to the end of your street, find a couple of abandoned shopping trolleys, use an ice cream container as a helmet and then drag race down an extremely high slope, over the edge of a ramp you designed in woodwork class and right into a brick wall.

Design, perform and film another 20 similar stunts and then send your cinematic masterpiece to Hollywood. Like the cast of Jackass, you too will be able to gross over $64 million dollars in North America from 1 film alone.

By discovering your inner stupidity, globalizing and selling it on-screen to dysfunctional families and teenagers, then, and only then, may an education in this country be free.

TAKE THE TIP

If you're in the mood for love except on Valentine's Day, here are some useful tips, writes Mick Cartonne.

THE THREE VALENTINE'S DAY COMMANDMENTS

By Mick Cartonne

1. Participation is compulsory for all those in a relationship. 

The global financial crisis and rising interest rates will not be stamped as valid excuses for non-attendance. Getting out of this event is harder than missing an appointment with your social security representative. Don't bite the hand that strokes you.

2. All gifts must be attached with a card

Wishing your girlriend a happy valentine's day is not enough. This is a really special day when you have to go the extra mile to give her evidence of your love. Without your prose and signature, she cannot play show and tell with her friends and family. Saving the environment and sending her an e-card will result in interrogation and possible water boarding when she throws a cup of hot Nescafe into your lap, ensuring your stick shift is out of action for the next week, further frustrating her.  

3. Read the DVD manual

Your favourite TV  show is on but you don't want to watch it because your in love, right? 

Remember the movie, Groundhog Day where Bill Murray keeps waking up on the same day over and over and over again and it never ends? Valentines Day is every male's chance to live out that scene. Awesome (not!)

Don't think you can just hand over a few flowers, share a quick peck and then get on with living. No, your whole world is put on pause to celebrate the fact that you found someone to have sex with every Saturday night. 

This is not like work, though it feels like it. You cannot chuck a sickie to get out of Valentine's Day and sadly, there is no fast forward button either. 

You'll be celebrating when you wake up in the morning, then you'll get that special email in your inbox at work and finally you'll finish off this most joyous test of endurance with a CED - Compulsory Expensive Dinner, meaning if there is something good on TV tonight, you'd better learn how to time the DVD-Recorder. 

I LUV Valentines Day. Do you?

THE IMAGINARY INTERVIEW

When high-profile people are in the news, Australians turn to one man to cut through the spin and make no sense whatsoever. 

Filing some of the greatest interviews never to have taken place, Mick Cartonne makes his IMAGINARY INTERVIEW debut by fictionally speaking with outgoing NSW Premier, Kristina Keneally.

Mick Cartonne: Outgoing premier, Kerri-Anne Keneally, thanks for your time. 

Kristine Keneally: This is Kristine Keneally, the incumbent Premier of NSW. It's nice to be here.

MC: My apologies, Premier. Due to budget cutbacks, we lost a dozen researchers last week. 

KK: I'm sorry to hear that. Can I just say..

MC: Premier, I'm going to have to interrupt you there for a moment. In news which is just breaking, our management have just sacked all the copy editors due to the next global financial crisis. I'm chatting with future Opposition Leader, Christina Keneally.

With less than 3 months to go until NSW voters head to the polls, how are you and your colleagues feeling?

KK:  We know we've got a tough fight on our hands but I would say, Micheal, that right now the atmosphere is quite electric. 

MC: I'm Mick. Mick Cartonne.

KK Don't you write a funny weekend column for a newspaper?

MC: I get that all the time. But no, I'm not a left-handed writer. There are plenty of subtle differences between myself and the veteran columnist your confusing me with.

KK: Such as?

MC: Well, he's got less hair and scoots around Sydney in a restored Jaguar.

KK: And what do you drive to work, Mick?

MC: Me? Oh, I opt for a Mercedes.

KK: What model?

MC: I usually catch the 190 bus to Palm Peach. 

KK: I'm sure the people of NSW will take comfort in knowing that public transport serves a journalist of your standing very well.   

MC: Premier, before I move on, I've been advised by some of our listeners to wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR.

KK: (Laughs hysterically): Oh Mick, you're killing me with the oxymorons. That's why I listen to this segment every week when parliament isn't sitting.

MC: Well, that's very nice of you to say, Premier, but this is my very first interview. 

KK: I'm sure the people of Newwwwwww Southhhhhhhhhhhh Walesssssss look forward to improving their education care of your weekly wit.

MC: In the past you've admitted you don't like Opposition Leader, Barry O'Farrell and yet according to a December survey taken by Newspoll, 40 per cent of people prefer him over you as Premier. How could so many people be wrong?

KK: I am alarmed by the high levels of poor literacy in this state and that survey you just mentioned simply reinforces the need to address this issue.

MC: With all due respect, how do poor literacy levels amongst the electorate contribute to your governments lack of popularity?

KK: Poor literacy, Mick, prevents the people from being able to read and examine what is on Barry O'Farrell's menu. If they could chew the fat on some of Barry's ideas, I think we'd be in a different state.

MC: And just what is on Barry's menu?

KK: Quite a lot I would imagine.

MC: Can you give an example of a negative policy being spruiked by the NSW Opposition Leader?

KK: Not at the moment, no.

MC: Why not?

KK: He hasn't released them yet.

MC: The policies?

KK:  The negative one's.

MC: How would NSW be worse off if the Liberals regained power in three months time?

KK: My government is very concerned that higher unemployment would immediately follow a change in government.

MC: And where would this new source of unemployment come from?

KK: History indicates to us that positions in the public service would be the most vulnerable.

MC: How many public servants do you expect will lose their jobs under the Liberals?

KK: Specifically speaking?

MC: Yes

KK: One

MC: Which position?

KK: Speculatively speaking?

MC: That'd help.

KK:  My job.

MC: Thanks for your time, Christine

KK: Its always a pleasure chatting with you, Mikel.

All commentary in the above interview is satirically fictitious and not based on real life conversations. We thank you for not taking it seriously, especially the Lawyers. (c) 2010 Melrose Politics.

JOKE OF THE WEEK

Immature Ladies and Gentleman, let's start the week off with a smile.

Credit: WilsonInfo.com

The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn. In large loopy letters it spelt out 'the president sucks'.

Infuriated, he called on the secret service to work out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him there was some bad news and some worse news. 

'Give me the bad news first,' said the President.

'The bad news is that the urine is the Vice President's.'

'How could he do this to me? What could be worse than that?'

'The handwriting is the first lady's.' 

HOWZAT FOR A POEM

Australia's search for sporting salvation continues after England pinched a one wicket win on the last ball in last night's Twenty 20 International at Adelaide Oval. The answer to ending the Aussies woes and restoring national pride could be in this poem, writes Mick Cartonne.

REINSTATE THE GLORY

It's time to cut the costs
And end this nation's rot
We cannot spin a win
In the game that made us kings
Our form has turned to ashes
We're addicted to taking thrashes
Let's take a breath and all yell out, 
IT'S TIME TO MERGE WITH ENGLAND.

It's simple really. No opposition for the Poms equals no losers. We all win.

Got a better poem to describe Australia's tendency to lose every sporting fixture that matters? I'd love to hear from you.

Editor's Note: For those who wish to donate to the flood relief appeal, you can do so by clicking on this link to the Queensland Governments website. I urge you all to give as much as you can. Thanks.

A DEMOCRATIC KNEE SLAPPER

Laughter has the power to get you through anything. That includes a decaying State Labor Government, writes Mick Cartonne.  

Groucho Marx once wrote, "A clown is like an aspirin, only he works twice as fast." 

I found one in today's Daily Telegraph in the letters section. 

Michelle of NSW writes:

"I will be voting for Kristina Keneally at the upcoming election. Why? Because I believe she should be given a chance at a full term on her own merits. People are too quick to cut her down. Let her have four years making her own decisions. I think she can turn things around. Kristina, you still have the support of many who will be voting for you."

Let's address each part of the letter.

1.Michelle will be voting for Kristina Keneally at the upcoming election. I'm not sure blindfolds are allowed into the polling booth at your local high school, Michelle, so you might want to give the NSW Electoral Commission a call and make an inquiry. 

2.I believe she (Kristina Keneally) should be given a chance at a full term on her own merits. A chance to do what? Gain more acting experience in question time so she can successfully audition for an episode of the Bold and the Beautiful? And I hate to remind you Michelle, but one person doesn't make up the government.

3.People are too quick to cut her down. People aren't cutting her down, they're taking a chainsaw to the State Labor party, who god forbid, have been in power since I was a 15-year-old school boy. That's sixteen years.


4. Let her have four years making her own decisions. I think she can turn things around. Independent thinking in the Labor Party means you don't last four years, Michelle. Ask Morris Iemma or Nathan Rees how far that got them. 


5. Kristina, you still have the support of many who will be voting for you. I think you may be confusing sympathy for support Michelle. Write back to me with a post-office box number and I'll forward you a copy of a political reference guide. 

It's a pity Michelle didn't disclose her suburb because somebody needs to visit her local area and  test the water she's drinking.  

Agree with my response? Find me too intolerant to tolerate? Let's debate it.