TAKE THE TIP

If you're in the mood for love except on Valentine's Day, here are some useful tips, writes Mick Cartonne.

THE THREE VALENTINE'S DAY COMMANDMENTS

By Mick Cartonne

1. Participation is compulsory for all those in a relationship. 

The global financial crisis and rising interest rates will not be stamped as valid excuses for non-attendance. Getting out of this event is harder than missing an appointment with your social security representative. Don't bite the hand that strokes you.

2. All gifts must be attached with a card

Wishing your girlriend a happy valentine's day is not enough. This is a really special day when you have to go the extra mile to give her evidence of your love. Without your prose and signature, she cannot play show and tell with her friends and family. Saving the environment and sending her an e-card will result in interrogation and possible water boarding when she throws a cup of hot Nescafe into your lap, ensuring your stick shift is out of action for the next week, further frustrating her.  

3. Read the DVD manual

Your favourite TV  show is on but you don't want to watch it because your in love, right? 

Remember the movie, Groundhog Day where Bill Murray keeps waking up on the same day over and over and over again and it never ends? Valentines Day is every male's chance to live out that scene. Awesome (not!)

Don't think you can just hand over a few flowers, share a quick peck and then get on with living. No, your whole world is put on pause to celebrate the fact that you found someone to have sex with every Saturday night. 

This is not like work, though it feels like it. You cannot chuck a sickie to get out of Valentine's Day and sadly, there is no fast forward button either. 

You'll be celebrating when you wake up in the morning, then you'll get that special email in your inbox at work and finally you'll finish off this most joyous test of endurance with a CED - Compulsory Expensive Dinner, meaning if there is something good on TV tonight, you'd better learn how to time the DVD-Recorder. 

I LUV Valentines Day. Do you?