THE IMAGINARY INTERVIEW

When high-profile people are in the news, Australians turn to one man to cut through the spin and make no sense whatsoever. 

Filing some of the greatest interviews never to have taken place, Mick Cartonne makes his IMAGINARY INTERVIEW debut by fictionally speaking with outgoing NSW Premier, Kristina Keneally.

Mick Cartonne: Outgoing premier, Kerri-Anne Keneally, thanks for your time. 

Kristine Keneally: This is Kristine Keneally, the incumbent Premier of NSW. It's nice to be here.

MC: My apologies, Premier. Due to budget cutbacks, we lost a dozen researchers last week. 

KK: I'm sorry to hear that. Can I just say..

MC: Premier, I'm going to have to interrupt you there for a moment. In news which is just breaking, our management have just sacked all the copy editors due to the next global financial crisis. I'm chatting with future Opposition Leader, Christina Keneally.

With less than 3 months to go until NSW voters head to the polls, how are you and your colleagues feeling?

KK:  We know we've got a tough fight on our hands but I would say, Micheal, that right now the atmosphere is quite electric. 

MC: I'm Mick. Mick Cartonne.

KK Don't you write a funny weekend column for a newspaper?

MC: I get that all the time. But no, I'm not a left-handed writer. There are plenty of subtle differences between myself and the veteran columnist your confusing me with.

KK: Such as?

MC: Well, he's got less hair and scoots around Sydney in a restored Jaguar.

KK: And what do you drive to work, Mick?

MC: Me? Oh, I opt for a Mercedes.

KK: What model?

MC: I usually catch the 190 bus to Palm Peach. 

KK: I'm sure the people of NSW will take comfort in knowing that public transport serves a journalist of your standing very well.   

MC: Premier, before I move on, I've been advised by some of our listeners to wish you a HAPPY NEW YEAR.

KK: (Laughs hysterically): Oh Mick, you're killing me with the oxymorons. That's why I listen to this segment every week when parliament isn't sitting.

MC: Well, that's very nice of you to say, Premier, but this is my very first interview. 

KK: I'm sure the people of Newwwwwww Southhhhhhhhhhhh Walesssssss look forward to improving their education care of your weekly wit.

MC: In the past you've admitted you don't like Opposition Leader, Barry O'Farrell and yet according to a December survey taken by Newspoll, 40 per cent of people prefer him over you as Premier. How could so many people be wrong?

KK: I am alarmed by the high levels of poor literacy in this state and that survey you just mentioned simply reinforces the need to address this issue.

MC: With all due respect, how do poor literacy levels amongst the electorate contribute to your governments lack of popularity?

KK: Poor literacy, Mick, prevents the people from being able to read and examine what is on Barry O'Farrell's menu. If they could chew the fat on some of Barry's ideas, I think we'd be in a different state.

MC: And just what is on Barry's menu?

KK: Quite a lot I would imagine.

MC: Can you give an example of a negative policy being spruiked by the NSW Opposition Leader?

KK: Not at the moment, no.

MC: Why not?

KK: He hasn't released them yet.

MC: The policies?

KK:  The negative one's.

MC: How would NSW be worse off if the Liberals regained power in three months time?

KK: My government is very concerned that higher unemployment would immediately follow a change in government.

MC: And where would this new source of unemployment come from?

KK: History indicates to us that positions in the public service would be the most vulnerable.

MC: How many public servants do you expect will lose their jobs under the Liberals?

KK: Specifically speaking?

MC: Yes

KK: One

MC: Which position?

KK: Speculatively speaking?

MC: That'd help.

KK:  My job.

MC: Thanks for your time, Christine

KK: Its always a pleasure chatting with you, Mikel.

All commentary in the above interview is satirically fictitious and not based on real life conversations. We thank you for not taking it seriously, especially the Lawyers. (c) 2010 Melrose Politics.

JOKE OF THE WEEK

Immature Ladies and Gentleman, let's start the week off with a smile.

Credit: WilsonInfo.com

The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn. In large loopy letters it spelt out 'the president sucks'.

Infuriated, he called on the secret service to work out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him there was some bad news and some worse news. 

'Give me the bad news first,' said the President.

'The bad news is that the urine is the Vice President's.'

'How could he do this to me? What could be worse than that?'

'The handwriting is the first lady's.' 

HOWZAT FOR A POEM

Australia's search for sporting salvation continues after England pinched a one wicket win on the last ball in last night's Twenty 20 International at Adelaide Oval. The answer to ending the Aussies woes and restoring national pride could be in this poem, writes Mick Cartonne.

REINSTATE THE GLORY

It's time to cut the costs
And end this nation's rot
We cannot spin a win
In the game that made us kings
Our form has turned to ashes
We're addicted to taking thrashes
Let's take a breath and all yell out, 
IT'S TIME TO MERGE WITH ENGLAND.

It's simple really. No opposition for the Poms equals no losers. We all win.

Got a better poem to describe Australia's tendency to lose every sporting fixture that matters? I'd love to hear from you.

Editor's Note: For those who wish to donate to the flood relief appeal, you can do so by clicking on this link to the Queensland Governments website. I urge you all to give as much as you can. Thanks.

A DEMOCRATIC KNEE SLAPPER

Laughter has the power to get you through anything. That includes a decaying State Labor Government, writes Mick Cartonne.  

Groucho Marx once wrote, "A clown is like an aspirin, only he works twice as fast." 

I found one in today's Daily Telegraph in the letters section. 

Michelle of NSW writes:

"I will be voting for Kristina Keneally at the upcoming election. Why? Because I believe she should be given a chance at a full term on her own merits. People are too quick to cut her down. Let her have four years making her own decisions. I think she can turn things around. Kristina, you still have the support of many who will be voting for you."

Let's address each part of the letter.

1.Michelle will be voting for Kristina Keneally at the upcoming election. I'm not sure blindfolds are allowed into the polling booth at your local high school, Michelle, so you might want to give the NSW Electoral Commission a call and make an inquiry. 

2.I believe she (Kristina Keneally) should be given a chance at a full term on her own merits. A chance to do what? Gain more acting experience in question time so she can successfully audition for an episode of the Bold and the Beautiful? And I hate to remind you Michelle, but one person doesn't make up the government.

3.People are too quick to cut her down. People aren't cutting her down, they're taking a chainsaw to the State Labor party, who god forbid, have been in power since I was a 15-year-old school boy. That's sixteen years.


4. Let her have four years making her own decisions. I think she can turn things around. Independent thinking in the Labor Party means you don't last four years, Michelle. Ask Morris Iemma or Nathan Rees how far that got them. 


5. Kristina, you still have the support of many who will be voting for you. I think you may be confusing sympathy for support Michelle. Write back to me with a post-office box number and I'll forward you a copy of a political reference guide. 

It's a pity Michelle didn't disclose her suburb because somebody needs to visit her local area and  test the water she's drinking.  

Agree with my response? Find me too intolerant to tolerate? Let's debate it.