TIS THE SEASON TO BE CARELESS

If your preparing for the annual pilgrimage that is the office Christmas party, keep an open mind when it comes to the spirit of taking. A new survey suggests you'll definitely be in for a special surprise, writes MICK CARTONNE. 

According to new numbers published by consumer website, The Consumerist, 30% of employed adults single out co-workers or bosses as the worst gift-givers.

Family members then took the rest of the blame with Parents and In-Laws at the top of the tree while Grandparents were at the bottom on 3 per cent. Meanwhile 5 per cent of the worst gifts came from friends.    

Then again they don't call it the silly season for nothing.  

There is no word yet on who the unemployed rate as the worst gift-givers but I imagine Social Insecurity or the Federal Government would come into the picture. 

Nor was there any referral to what enemies think of each other's 'presents'. You could probably have a lot of fun in the spirit of giving someone the shits. 

Classic Example:

Government Advisor: Premier Kennelly, Barry O' Fahrenheit is on the line. 
The Premier: Put him through. Thank You. Barry, how are you? Merry Christmas to you and your party. Are you dressing up as Santa this year?
Barry O' Fahrenheit: I am but I've just had a look at the list of whose been naughty and it looks like I can't give most members of State Labor a present this year. 
The Premier: That's too bad. Are you going on any study tours during the parliamentary break?
Barry O'Fahrenheit: I was thinking of visiting your office to measure the curtains.
The Premier: Good. When you pop by, we can have a drink before all this silly election business begins. I'd like to give you a gift in a gesture of bi-partisan goodwill. 
Barry O'Fahrenheit: Christine, that's very generous of you to forward me a copy of your concession speech. I'm glad you took the Prime Minister's advice and decided to start moving forward. 
The Premier: No worries, BARRRRRRRRRRYYYY!!!Oh and thank you for sending me a copy of your latest policy document, 'Life after Labor. Re-building NSW'. I do enjoy reading a good Horror Fantasy. 


Still have any faith left in your career peers to offer you a tangible demonstration of respect for you? If so, let these primary tales of pathetic eleventh hour planning demolish any particle of hope you may still be clinging onto.


'I got a card once with a note saying $20 was donated to UNICEF in my name. I thought that was a shitty gift. I would have donated to an animal shelter anyway' - Dwaine Scum

'I was just talking to my father about the worst gifts we've seen at work gift exchanges. Last week at the gift exchange his co-worker opened and envelope with a Starbucks gift card (they were supposed to bring 1 gift up to $10). There was no price on it so she asked out loud how much was on it and received the reply "About $10." Everyone looked puzzled until the gifter explained that his wife received it with $25 on it and had used it a few times and he had "gifted" what was left over.' - Dganderson 

"Our despised boss was sad to announce to us that he would have to miss our holiday party because of a family obligation. During the party, we had a white elephant gift exchange and almost every present had something to do with the boss and how much we hated him. There was his face on a dart board, a "I hate my boss" coffee mug, etc. Halfway through the game, our boss walked in. His travel plans had changed." - Anoynymous 


"The worst holiday party I ever attended was actually quite nice until upper management handed out little ornaments containing cash. The company in question did not give out any Christmas bonuses. One employee who had been with the company five years (making her one of the senior employees, given the company's high turnover) was so happy about seeing the hundred-dollar bills that she yelled out the cash amount, which inspired other employees to open their ornaments. Unfortunately, the vast majority of the employees found a $5 bill tucked inside their ornaments. Fueled by cocktails and wine, the mood immediately changed from festive to hostile. The general opinion was that a $5 Christmas bonus was more insulting than no bonus at all" - Patty

THE SPIRIT OF NOT GIVING

With less than a week to go until the fat red man with a big sack breaks into houses all over the world and steals our cookies and milk, now is probably the appropriate time to publish what you should NOT put under the Christmas Tree. 

You won't find any television commercials, roadside billboards or internet banners from retailers broadcasting any assistance on this matter because to them a sale is a sale.  

In the eyes of the retail gods, all inventory turnover is good, there are no DUD products or services worthy of having a Christmas embargo placed on them. 

When the check-out chick asks you, 'How are you?' and you tell them, 'I'm great, I just bought my mother-in-law a Weight Watchers gift card to the value of $10'  don't expect a stranger in retail to advise you that symptoms of your purchase could include a civil war similar to that which we all witnessed in the very funny US flick Meet The Family starring Robert De Niro.
    
Last year I gave my girlfriend a copy of 'PMS: problems men started'. It turns out that buying this book was actually a bigger problem than any of those mentioned in it. 

Sitting on my shelf for all of 2010, my copy of PMS is still in mint condition, so if anybody out there would like to buy their soon to be ex-girlfriends or wives a lovely gift, email me with your details.

Was I drunk on my special homemade eggnog (now with 99 per cent more alcohol) when I grabbed this title off the shelf in the humor section at Dymocks? No. I was soberly stupid. 

I bought that item and a "Jesus is coming, look busy' t-shirt on the proviso that everyone laughs at Christmas time with exception of the slightly over-worked cook. I was wrong.  

So just as Father Christmas has a list of who has been naughty and who has been nice, I have developed the annual stock take of NO-GO GIFTS to prevent another outbreak of jaw dropping silence under the mistletoe.  

Here are my top 10 imperfect presents.

1.Political Biographies

PJ O 'Rourke recently released a book under the not-so-subtle title, 'Don't vote! It just encourages the bastards." My sentiments exactly on books written by high profile political decision makers and their friends. Nobody ever died of boredom from reading about the lives of the useless, but why take the risk. 


2.Select Cinema Tickets

What could be more fun then watching an action adventure film at your local cinema? Answer; watching friends of yours getting into punch-ups with other people sitting in THEIR allocated seats. If your new year's resolution is to avoid falling out with your friends, you may need to think twice about buying gift cards from cinema chains that believe in robbing you of your bottom's independence as well as your money at the candy bar. 

3.G-rated Crackers

Want to be remembered for hosting the lamest Christmas Party featuring the worst jokes of all time? Buy do-gooder Christmas Crackers and people will only hang around until you start handing out the presents. Then they'll be gone in a flash, never to return the following year. Be different and buy some adults-only crackers. Sure, some people will get offended but at least those blood relatives with a sense of humour and an open mind will come back next December, ensuring future festive seasons are FUN, not politically correct. 

4.Lotto tickets

Be generous, yes, but don't go overboard. If you buy someone a $20 million lotto ticket and it comes off, there is no onus on the bearer of new fortune to share their wealth with you out of gratitude let alone buy you the next round of drinks on a Friday night. If you can't bring yourself to write the words "good luck" in the attached Christmas card, don't buy this as a present. Save yourself the grief and head to the two-dollar shop.

5.Ideas for the government

To copy some old copy used by the US military in an Australian context, Aunty Julia needs YOU! But do we really need to send her a packet of ideas on how to improve the country? I mean when was the last time a good idea was adopted by a government without a double edged catch-22 attached on the end of it? You can't remember? Good, me neither. Scratch this one off the list. 

6.Membership to Dating Websites  

You maybe sick and tired of hearing the same excuses offered by your single relatives and friends at every Christmas Family re-union. 'A good man is so hard to find', 'I guess the world needs lonely people' and my personal favourite, 'What's wrong with telling people about my fetish for hash biscuits on first dates?'. It becomes so tiresome, you may be tempted to buy them gold class membership to one of thousands of new dating websites that are popping up every year. What if he or she ends up dating or worse, marrying the president of the local branch of the all you can eat, drink, fart, belch and curse club? You'll inevitably have to have a one-on-one conversation with this person in some remote part of the Christmas Party headquarters. Plus the Seinfeld technique of patting your head to be rescued from the conversation may not work if the lighting in the room is a little dim. Prevention is better than a cure. 

7.Funny Clothes

In an article I read on 'When To Buy Funny T-Shirts?', the author, Adam Leaf urges us to balance a sense of humor and respecting others over religion, race or any other sensitive subject.' That's the problem. The best t-shirts that cause rib rattling amounts of laughter usually feature sensitive topics. If your one of these shoppers who won't settle for anything BUT the best items on the market and you don't want to be confronted 
by members of your local church counseling you about doing the work of the devil by promoting smut, maybe you should look, laugh and walk on by the world's best slogans the next time you visit your local, liberal minded markets. 

8.Football Merchandise

Just because you heard from a friend of the family in the super-long shopping queue that your nephew loves soccer doesn't mean he loves every TEAM that plays the round game. If you've never seen a soccer riot, you may very well experience this at the Christmas Day Dinner Table when little Johnny , who loves AC-Milan, is given a 'Best of DVD' featuring arch-rivals, Inter-Milan, all because you thought 'it sounds the same'. Avoid insulting chants and flares being thrown at you by sticking clear of football gear. 

9.Toiletry Supplies.

It might seem funny at the time when you see the smile on your obnoxious uncle's face take a swan-dive when he unwraps a six-pack of toilet paper with his face printed on it. 

But if he's got a history of vendetta's and a long memory, you may very well kick-start a juvenile Cold War and if you lose, you may end up the family laughing stock. Is this worth it?. 

Plus do you really want people to think you shouldn't go shopping for others without taking a good dose of brain viagra? Didn't think so. 

10. Sex shop gift certificates  

Even though no one will be able to guess this little rippa of a 'surprise', it could still backfire with consequences leaving you more red-faced than Santa. For instance, what if the recipient asks you to recommended any products or worse, invites you along to the new year sales so he or she can try on some new leather and get your personal opinion. Bang. Didn't see that one coming, did ya?

If you do receive any of the above items from Santa's helpers this year, take a deep breath and remember; It's the lack of thought that counts. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL.

Mick Cartonne MP
(Member of the Public)

LETTER OF THE WEEK

The Hon. MICK CARTONNE MP

(Member of the Public)

Tourism Australia

Media Centre

International Media Requests

GPO Box 2721, 

Sydney NSW 1006 

DEAR TOURISM AUSTRALIA

There is a belief I've held since I was a mischievous nine-year-old undertaking study tours of local hospitals after running into tennis posts. It is this; true friends tell you what you need to hear, NOT, what you want to know. 

Oprah Winfrey was a good catch. But I'm afraid there is a bigger fish waiting to be hooked, leading me to ask of you this important favor. 

JERRY SPRINGER/Wikipedia

Will you endeavor to lobby all forms of power, influence and social standing to follow up on this exciting event by bringing the biggest freak show to town, Jerry Springer?  

According to columnist, Andrew Daddo, 'When Oprah laughs, the couch-bound laugh with her.' In the interest of fairness, I'd add that when Jerry Springer chimes in with a one-liner concerning one of his guests' fetishes, the couch also rolls onto the floor, impersonating a hysterical bowel movement. 

To differentiate a Springer special (sounds like the potential name of a promotional burger, eh?) from a royal Oprah visit, Jerry could invite 300 of his past guests down under for free. 

Perhaps some of the larger-then-life characters could apply for a work visa and run for parliament in the forthcoming state election. Vote 1 for more drama. I hear the Labor Party have a few vacancies these days.   

NSW Premier Kristina Keneally has revealed in the Sun Herald that  she doesn't like Barry O'Farrell and thinks he is juvenile after the Opposition Leader presented the US born leader with a copy of The Little Aussie Fact Book, which reportedly suggests she still has much to learn about her adopted country. Worse maybe to come. She might find JobsGuide 2011 under the parliamentary Christmas tree.

Clearly the lower house in Macquarie St has not enabled KK to get everything off her chest about Barry nearly four months out from the election. If there's one forum that brings people together to settle the score, it's the Jerry Springer Show.   

The State Government and the City of Sydney Council could co-ordinate an event uniquely christened A Breakfast  Broadcast on the Bridge with Springer hosting a live Australia Day Food Fight  between the outgoing Premier and the incoming one. 

Imagine setting up a citizens assembly on the bridge with Labor MP's on one side and NSW voters on the other, led by Braveheart O'Farrell. 
Instead of using the usher of the black rod to discipline the unruly, Ronald McDonald could run in to the tune of Prince's 1991 song 'Cream' and feed the incorrigible with a vanilla pie to the face.  

Some will argue there may not be enough Labor MP's left to have a food fight with. Good point. Others feel good food should not be wasted on one of the worst governments in our state's history. Even better point. But it's all in the name of a good cause; convincing hyperactive women to travel into the city, spend double the price on a sausage roll as well as a handbag so as to help fix the economy. 

The bridge could be closed on a Monday morning to help generate  millions of dollars worth of free advertising on traffic reports covering the backlog of motorists using back streets. Alternatively a widescreen could be placed on top of the Bridge so that corporate logos plastered all over the bodies of big beautiful strippers can be viewed with the naked eye by all Sydneysiders. 

Such scenes featuring famous Australian icons and landmarks being beamed into American living rooms on the nightly news could lead to an influx of impulsive travel bookings online while increasing sales of barf bags at Duty Free stores nationwide. Economic growth is a shoe in.  

Good ideas are often spontaneous but sometimes the timing isn't practical. I am aware January may be a little too optimistic. But with a state election looming, March could also be a good time for some Jerry Springer specials on a range of subjects including:

A. Secret confessions; people who still believe in State Labor. 
B. Porn stars addicted to politicians 
C. Public Servants obsessed with quitting. 

Aussie fans of the show could vote for 50 of the guests to be included on the freaky-free-for-all tour. 

Tour guide competitions could be held where lucky winners (Australian residents only) get to lead a group of 'Springer Zingers' on an all expenses paid national tour to some of the most famous attractions including:

Obelisk Beach - described on Wikipedia as little known to tourists, this 100 metre nude beach will really open up the Zingers eyes. Despite being characterised as 'quiet and tranquil', it's more than likely the visitors will find plenty to take in. WARNING! Good views not guaranteed. 

Strip Bars - to prevent any bout of homesickness breaking out, many guests will be able to feel right at home in some of the local entertainment establishments. And those who are very impressed by our country may also want to consider dropping their CV's into some of the talent scouts that work in our press the flesh industry, should they opt for a working holiday in the future. We want the world's most skilled individuals to undress all opportunities down under. 

All You Can Eat Restaurants - a whole lot of energy is needed for endurance on the Jerry Springer show. 
  
The opportunities for the business community would be endless. They can jump on board with hoards of cash by offering to sponsor 'a freak for a week'. 

All guests would be attired in items featuring logo placements on clothes, socks, shorts, shirts, g-strings and man-boobs. No scrap that. On all types of boobs. This is the land of equal opportunity after all. 

The potential for an economic windfall from cheap, sordid, entertainment is in your hands.

Highest regards from the lowest common denominator.

Mick Cartonne MP
(Member of the Public) 

A CHRISTMAS CRACKER

An ill-informed man turns up to a formal Christmas party wearing shorts and a blue Canterbury top. 
 
Matradee: Sir, I cannot let you in.This is a formal affair. 
Knockabout Bloke: Well I'll have you know that in my country this is very formal. 
Matradee: And which country do you come from, sir? 
Knockabout Bloke: The western suburbs.

THE PEOPLE'S JOKE

I had a bad dream last night.

Heading down the Hume Highway, I drove to Parliament House in Canberra to toss Cow Patty's at Federal MP's who voted to lift the retirement age to 100.

Credit: Noodle snacks (http://www.noodlesnacks.com/)

One of the patty's ricocheted off the Shane Paxton Memorial Statue and hit me in the head, knocking me out cold. Unconscious, I died and went to heaven.

After entering the light, I walked towards the pearly gates, hoping to be greeted by God.

Unfortunately the gates were locked and a sign was placed out the front. It read:

"God has taken sick leave to watch the Ashes. We apologise for any inconvenience caused " - Heaven (now under new management. )

THE CARTONNE DIARIES

November 30

Bad news is good news for someone (usually a TV Network in need of a ratings erection).

I am 90 pages into Suddenly Last Winter – an election diary, written by that champion of Labor causes, Bob Ellis and yet some bastard has requested the library to recall it back early (probably so the client can give it to an annoying relative as a Christmas gift, so they can spend the money saved on importing a second hand vuvuzela for the start of the National Rugby League season in 2011). 

I'm still not really sure why I am reading Bob’s work. 

He raises my blood pressure with some of his humanitarian addictions. When I sip a cup of Irish tea in the sunroom, it becomes quite clear. Compensation for my irritation with Bob's worldly view comes in the form of his greatest gift; the constant ability to make me piss myself laughing at the expense of himself and his subjects. 

His greatest creative donation would be the poems he writes at night. They are the sort that should be recited at private school speech nights to keep parents awake before the Chancellor of Bad News announces another rise in fees. See example below.

Beweep the fate of  K......... R......... 

His end is tears, his name is mud,

Defamed by all as a useless cunt

Knifed by comrades, back and front.

Judged by all a waste of space

Who's done his dash, who's run his race

Who did not, would not, once consult

Anyone not in his cult

Hubris, Primates, brought him low

More than any creeping foe,

Belief the sun rose from his arse

And no-one else was in his class

Hubris is a dreadful thing:

It fells the mightiest, oh king

It makes a joke of all-one planned

When one was ruler of the land.

Heed well the end of K.......... R..........

The whole world picked him as a dud,

But he breezed onward, preened and sneered

Striking all as fucking weird

He flogged his minions, praised his God

Called inquiries, pulled his wad,

Thought himself Christ's gift to men

Smiled and pulled his wad again

He did not see the penny drop,

Nor bear the dark steed come, clip-clop

But tottered, sleepless, round his dream

A cat engorged with too much cream

Who now in blank oblivion lies

An empty grave neath blazing skies, 

A Quiz kid all said could not fail

Unwept, unsung, undone. Wassail.

   

Every friday night on Sydney talk station, 2SM, Graeme Gilbert hosts poetry night where callers subject listeners to their own original verses.

Sadly, we'll never hear this classic reach the airwaves because of that electronic pain-in-the-arse widely known in broadcasting circles as a seven-second delay system. If there is one thing I have figured out in life, it's this. The most effective wit is found in books where censorship is self-determined, unlike talkback radio or newspapers where "family values" and fuddy, duddy, political correctness act as a form of middle class contraception for the fragile egos of those scared of passionate, liberal use of the English language before 9pm.. 

I was thinking of emailing Bob to compliment him on his latest work. But sadly his website has yet to configure an email address into its contacts page. I also wanted to find out if he ever got around to christening that piece of prose.

Why, God, are the best writers on the opposing ideological and/or political team?

I suppose that’s like trying to figure out why the Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs have won more premierships than Parramatta. It’s a universal enigma albeit a very disturbing one which has plenty of theories but alas, no single answer. 

DECEMBER  

It's official. Only four months to go until the NSW Labor Party are expelled from Political Play School. I'm still wondering if I should have an election night party, considering the concession speech will probably need to be made after the exit polling comes through.