THE SPIRIT OF NOT GIVING

With less than a week to go until the fat red man with a big sack breaks into houses all over the world and steals our cookies and milk, now is probably the appropriate time to publish what you should NOT put under the Christmas Tree. 

You won't find any television commercials, roadside billboards or internet banners from retailers broadcasting any assistance on this matter because to them a sale is a sale.  

In the eyes of the retail gods, all inventory turnover is good, there are no DUD products or services worthy of having a Christmas embargo placed on them. 

When the check-out chick asks you, 'How are you?' and you tell them, 'I'm great, I just bought my mother-in-law a Weight Watchers gift card to the value of $10'  don't expect a stranger in retail to advise you that symptoms of your purchase could include a civil war similar to that which we all witnessed in the very funny US flick Meet The Family starring Robert De Niro.
    
Last year I gave my girlfriend a copy of 'PMS: problems men started'. It turns out that buying this book was actually a bigger problem than any of those mentioned in it. 

Sitting on my shelf for all of 2010, my copy of PMS is still in mint condition, so if anybody out there would like to buy their soon to be ex-girlfriends or wives a lovely gift, email me with your details.

Was I drunk on my special homemade eggnog (now with 99 per cent more alcohol) when I grabbed this title off the shelf in the humor section at Dymocks? No. I was soberly stupid. 

I bought that item and a "Jesus is coming, look busy' t-shirt on the proviso that everyone laughs at Christmas time with exception of the slightly over-worked cook. I was wrong.  

So just as Father Christmas has a list of who has been naughty and who has been nice, I have developed the annual stock take of NO-GO GIFTS to prevent another outbreak of jaw dropping silence under the mistletoe.  

Here are my top 10 imperfect presents.

1.Political Biographies

PJ O 'Rourke recently released a book under the not-so-subtle title, 'Don't vote! It just encourages the bastards." My sentiments exactly on books written by high profile political decision makers and their friends. Nobody ever died of boredom from reading about the lives of the useless, but why take the risk. 


2.Select Cinema Tickets

What could be more fun then watching an action adventure film at your local cinema? Answer; watching friends of yours getting into punch-ups with other people sitting in THEIR allocated seats. If your new year's resolution is to avoid falling out with your friends, you may need to think twice about buying gift cards from cinema chains that believe in robbing you of your bottom's independence as well as your money at the candy bar. 

3.G-rated Crackers

Want to be remembered for hosting the lamest Christmas Party featuring the worst jokes of all time? Buy do-gooder Christmas Crackers and people will only hang around until you start handing out the presents. Then they'll be gone in a flash, never to return the following year. Be different and buy some adults-only crackers. Sure, some people will get offended but at least those blood relatives with a sense of humour and an open mind will come back next December, ensuring future festive seasons are FUN, not politically correct. 

4.Lotto tickets

Be generous, yes, but don't go overboard. If you buy someone a $20 million lotto ticket and it comes off, there is no onus on the bearer of new fortune to share their wealth with you out of gratitude let alone buy you the next round of drinks on a Friday night. If you can't bring yourself to write the words "good luck" in the attached Christmas card, don't buy this as a present. Save yourself the grief and head to the two-dollar shop.

5.Ideas for the government

To copy some old copy used by the US military in an Australian context, Aunty Julia needs YOU! But do we really need to send her a packet of ideas on how to improve the country? I mean when was the last time a good idea was adopted by a government without a double edged catch-22 attached on the end of it? You can't remember? Good, me neither. Scratch this one off the list. 

6.Membership to Dating Websites  

You maybe sick and tired of hearing the same excuses offered by your single relatives and friends at every Christmas Family re-union. 'A good man is so hard to find', 'I guess the world needs lonely people' and my personal favourite, 'What's wrong with telling people about my fetish for hash biscuits on first dates?'. It becomes so tiresome, you may be tempted to buy them gold class membership to one of thousands of new dating websites that are popping up every year. What if he or she ends up dating or worse, marrying the president of the local branch of the all you can eat, drink, fart, belch and curse club? You'll inevitably have to have a one-on-one conversation with this person in some remote part of the Christmas Party headquarters. Plus the Seinfeld technique of patting your head to be rescued from the conversation may not work if the lighting in the room is a little dim. Prevention is better than a cure. 

7.Funny Clothes

In an article I read on 'When To Buy Funny T-Shirts?', the author, Adam Leaf urges us to balance a sense of humor and respecting others over religion, race or any other sensitive subject.' That's the problem. The best t-shirts that cause rib rattling amounts of laughter usually feature sensitive topics. If your one of these shoppers who won't settle for anything BUT the best items on the market and you don't want to be confronted 
by members of your local church counseling you about doing the work of the devil by promoting smut, maybe you should look, laugh and walk on by the world's best slogans the next time you visit your local, liberal minded markets. 

8.Football Merchandise

Just because you heard from a friend of the family in the super-long shopping queue that your nephew loves soccer doesn't mean he loves every TEAM that plays the round game. If you've never seen a soccer riot, you may very well experience this at the Christmas Day Dinner Table when little Johnny , who loves AC-Milan, is given a 'Best of DVD' featuring arch-rivals, Inter-Milan, all because you thought 'it sounds the same'. Avoid insulting chants and flares being thrown at you by sticking clear of football gear. 

9.Toiletry Supplies.

It might seem funny at the time when you see the smile on your obnoxious uncle's face take a swan-dive when he unwraps a six-pack of toilet paper with his face printed on it. 

But if he's got a history of vendetta's and a long memory, you may very well kick-start a juvenile Cold War and if you lose, you may end up the family laughing stock. Is this worth it?. 

Plus do you really want people to think you shouldn't go shopping for others without taking a good dose of brain viagra? Didn't think so. 

10. Sex shop gift certificates  

Even though no one will be able to guess this little rippa of a 'surprise', it could still backfire with consequences leaving you more red-faced than Santa. For instance, what if the recipient asks you to recommended any products or worse, invites you along to the new year sales so he or she can try on some new leather and get your personal opinion. Bang. Didn't see that one coming, did ya?

If you do receive any of the above items from Santa's helpers this year, take a deep breath and remember; It's the lack of thought that counts. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL.

Mick Cartonne MP
(Member of the Public)