The Hon. MICK CARTONNE MP
(Member of the Public)
Tourism Australia
Media Centre
International Media Requests
GPO Box 2721,
Sydney NSW 1006
DEAR TOURISM AUSTRALIA
There is a belief I've held since I was a mischievous nine-year-old undertaking study tours of local hospitals after running into tennis posts. It is this; true friends tell you what you need to hear, NOT, what you want to know.
Oprah Winfrey was a good catch. But I'm afraid there is a bigger fish waiting to be hooked, leading me to ask of you this important favor.
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| JERRY SPRINGER/Wikipedia |
According to columnist, Andrew Daddo, 'When Oprah laughs, the couch-bound laugh with her.' In the interest of fairness, I'd add that when Jerry Springer chimes in with a one-liner concerning one of his guests' fetishes, the couch also rolls onto the floor, impersonating a hysterical bowel movement.
To differentiate a Springer special (sounds like the potential name of a promotional burger, eh?) from a royal Oprah visit, Jerry could invite 300 of his past guests down under for free.
Perhaps some of the larger-then-life characters could apply for a work visa and run for parliament in the forthcoming state election. Vote 1 for more drama. I hear the Labor Party have a few vacancies these days.
NSW Premier Kristina Keneally has revealed in the Sun Herald that she doesn't like Barry O'Farrell and thinks he is juvenile after the Opposition Leader presented the US born leader with a copy of The Little Aussie Fact Book, which reportedly suggests she still has much to learn about her adopted country. Worse maybe to come. She might find JobsGuide 2011 under the parliamentary Christmas tree.
Clearly the lower house in Macquarie St has not enabled KK to get everything off her chest about Barry nearly four months out from the election. If there's one forum that brings people together to settle the score, it's the Jerry Springer Show.
The State Government and the City of Sydney Council could co-ordinate an event uniquely christened A Breakfast Broadcast on the Bridge with Springer hosting a live Australia Day Food Fight between the outgoing Premier and the incoming one.
Imagine setting up a citizens assembly on the bridge with Labor MP's on one side and NSW voters on the other, led by Braveheart O'Farrell.
Instead of using the usher of the black rod to discipline the unruly, Ronald McDonald could run in to the tune of Prince's 1991 song 'Cream' and feed the incorrigible with a vanilla pie to the face.
Some will argue there may not be enough Labor MP's left to have a food fight with. Good point. Others feel good food should not be wasted on one of the worst governments in our state's history. Even better point. But it's all in the name of a good cause; convincing hyperactive women to travel into the city, spend double the price on a sausage roll as well as a handbag so as to help fix the economy.
The bridge could be closed on a Monday morning to help generate millions of dollars worth of free advertising on traffic reports covering the backlog of motorists using back streets. Alternatively a widescreen could be placed on top of the Bridge so that corporate logos plastered all over the bodies of big beautiful strippers can be viewed with the naked eye by all Sydneysiders.
Such scenes featuring famous Australian icons and landmarks being beamed into American living rooms on the nightly news could lead to an influx of impulsive travel bookings online while increasing sales of barf bags at Duty Free stores nationwide. Economic growth is a shoe in.
Good ideas are often spontaneous but sometimes the timing isn't practical. I am aware January may be a little too optimistic. But with a state election looming, March could also be a good time for some Jerry Springer specials on a range of subjects including:
A. Secret confessions; people who still believe in State Labor.
B. Porn stars addicted to politicians
C. Public Servants obsessed with quitting.
Aussie fans of the show could vote for 50 of the guests to be included on the freaky-free-for-all tour.
Tour guide competitions could be held where lucky winners (Australian residents only) get to lead a group of 'Springer Zingers' on an all expenses paid national tour to some of the most famous attractions including:
Obelisk Beach - described on Wikipedia as little known to tourists, this 100 metre nude beach will really open up the Zingers eyes. Despite being characterised as 'quiet and tranquil', it's more than likely the visitors will find plenty to take in. WARNING! Good views not guaranteed.
Strip Bars - to prevent any bout of homesickness breaking out, many guests will be able to feel right at home in some of the local entertainment establishments. And those who are very impressed by our country may also want to consider dropping their CV's into some of the talent scouts that work in our press the flesh industry, should they opt for a working holiday in the future. We want the world's most skilled individuals to undress all opportunities down under.
All You Can Eat Restaurants - a whole lot of energy is needed for endurance on the Jerry Springer show.
The opportunities for the business community would be endless. They can jump on board with hoards of cash by offering to sponsor 'a freak for a week'.
All guests would be attired in items featuring logo placements on clothes, socks, shorts, shirts, g-strings and man-boobs. No scrap that. On all types of boobs. This is the land of equal opportunity after all.
Perhaps some of the larger-then-life characters could apply for a work visa and run for parliament in the forthcoming state election. Vote 1 for more drama. I hear the Labor Party have a few vacancies these days.
NSW Premier Kristina Keneally has revealed in the Sun Herald that she doesn't like Barry O'Farrell and thinks he is juvenile after the Opposition Leader presented the US born leader with a copy of The Little Aussie Fact Book, which reportedly suggests she still has much to learn about her adopted country. Worse maybe to come. She might find JobsGuide 2011 under the parliamentary Christmas tree.
Clearly the lower house in Macquarie St has not enabled KK to get everything off her chest about Barry nearly four months out from the election. If there's one forum that brings people together to settle the score, it's the Jerry Springer Show.
The State Government and the City of Sydney Council could co-ordinate an event uniquely christened A Breakfast Broadcast on the Bridge with Springer hosting a live Australia Day Food Fight between the outgoing Premier and the incoming one.
Instead of using the usher of the black rod to discipline the unruly, Ronald McDonald could run in to the tune of Prince's 1991 song 'Cream' and feed the incorrigible with a vanilla pie to the face.
Some will argue there may not be enough Labor MP's left to have a food fight with. Good point. Others feel good food should not be wasted on one of the worst governments in our state's history. Even better point. But it's all in the name of a good cause; convincing hyperactive women to travel into the city, spend double the price on a sausage roll as well as a handbag so as to help fix the economy.
The bridge could be closed on a Monday morning to help generate millions of dollars worth of free advertising on traffic reports covering the backlog of motorists using back streets. Alternatively a widescreen could be placed on top of the Bridge so that corporate logos plastered all over the bodies of big beautiful strippers can be viewed with the naked eye by all Sydneysiders.
Such scenes featuring famous Australian icons and landmarks being beamed into American living rooms on the nightly news could lead to an influx of impulsive travel bookings online while increasing sales of barf bags at Duty Free stores nationwide. Economic growth is a shoe in.
Good ideas are often spontaneous but sometimes the timing isn't practical. I am aware January may be a little too optimistic. But with a state election looming, March could also be a good time for some Jerry Springer specials on a range of subjects including:
A. Secret confessions; people who still believe in State Labor.
B. Porn stars addicted to politicians
C. Public Servants obsessed with quitting.
Aussie fans of the show could vote for 50 of the guests to be included on the freaky-free-for-all tour.
Tour guide competitions could be held where lucky winners (Australian residents only) get to lead a group of 'Springer Zingers' on an all expenses paid national tour to some of the most famous attractions including:
Obelisk Beach - described on Wikipedia as little known to tourists, this 100 metre nude beach will really open up the Zingers eyes. Despite being characterised as 'quiet and tranquil', it's more than likely the visitors will find plenty to take in. WARNING! Good views not guaranteed.
Strip Bars - to prevent any bout of homesickness breaking out, many guests will be able to feel right at home in some of the local entertainment establishments. And those who are very impressed by our country may also want to consider dropping their CV's into some of the talent scouts that work in our press the flesh industry, should they opt for a working holiday in the future. We want the world's most skilled individuals to undress all opportunities down under.
All You Can Eat Restaurants - a whole lot of energy is needed for endurance on the Jerry Springer show.
The opportunities for the business community would be endless. They can jump on board with hoards of cash by offering to sponsor 'a freak for a week'.
All guests would be attired in items featuring logo placements on clothes, socks, shorts, shirts, g-strings and man-boobs. No scrap that. On all types of boobs. This is the land of equal opportunity after all.
The potential for an economic windfall from cheap, sordid, entertainment is in your hands.
Highest regards from the lowest common denominator.
Mick Cartonne MP
(Member of the Public)
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