TIS THE SEASON TO BE CARELESS

If your preparing for the annual pilgrimage that is the office Christmas party, keep an open mind when it comes to the spirit of taking. A new survey suggests you'll definitely be in for a special surprise, writes MICK CARTONNE. 

According to new numbers published by consumer website, The Consumerist, 30% of employed adults single out co-workers or bosses as the worst gift-givers.

Family members then took the rest of the blame with Parents and In-Laws at the top of the tree while Grandparents were at the bottom on 3 per cent. Meanwhile 5 per cent of the worst gifts came from friends.    

Then again they don't call it the silly season for nothing.  

There is no word yet on who the unemployed rate as the worst gift-givers but I imagine Social Insecurity or the Federal Government would come into the picture. 

Nor was there any referral to what enemies think of each other's 'presents'. You could probably have a lot of fun in the spirit of giving someone the shits. 

Classic Example:

Government Advisor: Premier Kennelly, Barry O' Fahrenheit is on the line. 
The Premier: Put him through. Thank You. Barry, how are you? Merry Christmas to you and your party. Are you dressing up as Santa this year?
Barry O' Fahrenheit: I am but I've just had a look at the list of whose been naughty and it looks like I can't give most members of State Labor a present this year. 
The Premier: That's too bad. Are you going on any study tours during the parliamentary break?
Barry O'Fahrenheit: I was thinking of visiting your office to measure the curtains.
The Premier: Good. When you pop by, we can have a drink before all this silly election business begins. I'd like to give you a gift in a gesture of bi-partisan goodwill. 
Barry O'Fahrenheit: Christine, that's very generous of you to forward me a copy of your concession speech. I'm glad you took the Prime Minister's advice and decided to start moving forward. 
The Premier: No worries, BARRRRRRRRRRYYYY!!!Oh and thank you for sending me a copy of your latest policy document, 'Life after Labor. Re-building NSW'. I do enjoy reading a good Horror Fantasy. 


Still have any faith left in your career peers to offer you a tangible demonstration of respect for you? If so, let these primary tales of pathetic eleventh hour planning demolish any particle of hope you may still be clinging onto.


'I got a card once with a note saying $20 was donated to UNICEF in my name. I thought that was a shitty gift. I would have donated to an animal shelter anyway' - Dwaine Scum

'I was just talking to my father about the worst gifts we've seen at work gift exchanges. Last week at the gift exchange his co-worker opened and envelope with a Starbucks gift card (they were supposed to bring 1 gift up to $10). There was no price on it so she asked out loud how much was on it and received the reply "About $10." Everyone looked puzzled until the gifter explained that his wife received it with $25 on it and had used it a few times and he had "gifted" what was left over.' - Dganderson 

"Our despised boss was sad to announce to us that he would have to miss our holiday party because of a family obligation. During the party, we had a white elephant gift exchange and almost every present had something to do with the boss and how much we hated him. There was his face on a dart board, a "I hate my boss" coffee mug, etc. Halfway through the game, our boss walked in. His travel plans had changed." - Anoynymous 


"The worst holiday party I ever attended was actually quite nice until upper management handed out little ornaments containing cash. The company in question did not give out any Christmas bonuses. One employee who had been with the company five years (making her one of the senior employees, given the company's high turnover) was so happy about seeing the hundred-dollar bills that she yelled out the cash amount, which inspired other employees to open their ornaments. Unfortunately, the vast majority of the employees found a $5 bill tucked inside their ornaments. Fueled by cocktails and wine, the mood immediately changed from festive to hostile. The general opinion was that a $5 Christmas bonus was more insulting than no bonus at all" - Patty

THE SPIRIT OF NOT GIVING

With less than a week to go until the fat red man with a big sack breaks into houses all over the world and steals our cookies and milk, now is probably the appropriate time to publish what you should NOT put under the Christmas Tree. 

You won't find any television commercials, roadside billboards or internet banners from retailers broadcasting any assistance on this matter because to them a sale is a sale.  

In the eyes of the retail gods, all inventory turnover is good, there are no DUD products or services worthy of having a Christmas embargo placed on them. 

When the check-out chick asks you, 'How are you?' and you tell them, 'I'm great, I just bought my mother-in-law a Weight Watchers gift card to the value of $10'  don't expect a stranger in retail to advise you that symptoms of your purchase could include a civil war similar to that which we all witnessed in the very funny US flick Meet The Family starring Robert De Niro.
    
Last year I gave my girlfriend a copy of 'PMS: problems men started'. It turns out that buying this book was actually a bigger problem than any of those mentioned in it. 

Sitting on my shelf for all of 2010, my copy of PMS is still in mint condition, so if anybody out there would like to buy their soon to be ex-girlfriends or wives a lovely gift, email me with your details.

Was I drunk on my special homemade eggnog (now with 99 per cent more alcohol) when I grabbed this title off the shelf in the humor section at Dymocks? No. I was soberly stupid. 

I bought that item and a "Jesus is coming, look busy' t-shirt on the proviso that everyone laughs at Christmas time with exception of the slightly over-worked cook. I was wrong.  

So just as Father Christmas has a list of who has been naughty and who has been nice, I have developed the annual stock take of NO-GO GIFTS to prevent another outbreak of jaw dropping silence under the mistletoe.  

Here are my top 10 imperfect presents.

1.Political Biographies

PJ O 'Rourke recently released a book under the not-so-subtle title, 'Don't vote! It just encourages the bastards." My sentiments exactly on books written by high profile political decision makers and their friends. Nobody ever died of boredom from reading about the lives of the useless, but why take the risk. 


2.Select Cinema Tickets

What could be more fun then watching an action adventure film at your local cinema? Answer; watching friends of yours getting into punch-ups with other people sitting in THEIR allocated seats. If your new year's resolution is to avoid falling out with your friends, you may need to think twice about buying gift cards from cinema chains that believe in robbing you of your bottom's independence as well as your money at the candy bar. 

3.G-rated Crackers

Want to be remembered for hosting the lamest Christmas Party featuring the worst jokes of all time? Buy do-gooder Christmas Crackers and people will only hang around until you start handing out the presents. Then they'll be gone in a flash, never to return the following year. Be different and buy some adults-only crackers. Sure, some people will get offended but at least those blood relatives with a sense of humour and an open mind will come back next December, ensuring future festive seasons are FUN, not politically correct. 

4.Lotto tickets

Be generous, yes, but don't go overboard. If you buy someone a $20 million lotto ticket and it comes off, there is no onus on the bearer of new fortune to share their wealth with you out of gratitude let alone buy you the next round of drinks on a Friday night. If you can't bring yourself to write the words "good luck" in the attached Christmas card, don't buy this as a present. Save yourself the grief and head to the two-dollar shop.

5.Ideas for the government

To copy some old copy used by the US military in an Australian context, Aunty Julia needs YOU! But do we really need to send her a packet of ideas on how to improve the country? I mean when was the last time a good idea was adopted by a government without a double edged catch-22 attached on the end of it? You can't remember? Good, me neither. Scratch this one off the list. 

6.Membership to Dating Websites  

You maybe sick and tired of hearing the same excuses offered by your single relatives and friends at every Christmas Family re-union. 'A good man is so hard to find', 'I guess the world needs lonely people' and my personal favourite, 'What's wrong with telling people about my fetish for hash biscuits on first dates?'. It becomes so tiresome, you may be tempted to buy them gold class membership to one of thousands of new dating websites that are popping up every year. What if he or she ends up dating or worse, marrying the president of the local branch of the all you can eat, drink, fart, belch and curse club? You'll inevitably have to have a one-on-one conversation with this person in some remote part of the Christmas Party headquarters. Plus the Seinfeld technique of patting your head to be rescued from the conversation may not work if the lighting in the room is a little dim. Prevention is better than a cure. 

7.Funny Clothes

In an article I read on 'When To Buy Funny T-Shirts?', the author, Adam Leaf urges us to balance a sense of humor and respecting others over religion, race or any other sensitive subject.' That's the problem. The best t-shirts that cause rib rattling amounts of laughter usually feature sensitive topics. If your one of these shoppers who won't settle for anything BUT the best items on the market and you don't want to be confronted 
by members of your local church counseling you about doing the work of the devil by promoting smut, maybe you should look, laugh and walk on by the world's best slogans the next time you visit your local, liberal minded markets. 

8.Football Merchandise

Just because you heard from a friend of the family in the super-long shopping queue that your nephew loves soccer doesn't mean he loves every TEAM that plays the round game. If you've never seen a soccer riot, you may very well experience this at the Christmas Day Dinner Table when little Johnny , who loves AC-Milan, is given a 'Best of DVD' featuring arch-rivals, Inter-Milan, all because you thought 'it sounds the same'. Avoid insulting chants and flares being thrown at you by sticking clear of football gear. 

9.Toiletry Supplies.

It might seem funny at the time when you see the smile on your obnoxious uncle's face take a swan-dive when he unwraps a six-pack of toilet paper with his face printed on it. 

But if he's got a history of vendetta's and a long memory, you may very well kick-start a juvenile Cold War and if you lose, you may end up the family laughing stock. Is this worth it?. 

Plus do you really want people to think you shouldn't go shopping for others without taking a good dose of brain viagra? Didn't think so. 

10. Sex shop gift certificates  

Even though no one will be able to guess this little rippa of a 'surprise', it could still backfire with consequences leaving you more red-faced than Santa. For instance, what if the recipient asks you to recommended any products or worse, invites you along to the new year sales so he or she can try on some new leather and get your personal opinion. Bang. Didn't see that one coming, did ya?

If you do receive any of the above items from Santa's helpers this year, take a deep breath and remember; It's the lack of thought that counts. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL.

Mick Cartonne MP
(Member of the Public)

LETTER OF THE WEEK

The Hon. MICK CARTONNE MP

(Member of the Public)

Tourism Australia

Media Centre

International Media Requests

GPO Box 2721, 

Sydney NSW 1006 

DEAR TOURISM AUSTRALIA

There is a belief I've held since I was a mischievous nine-year-old undertaking study tours of local hospitals after running into tennis posts. It is this; true friends tell you what you need to hear, NOT, what you want to know. 

Oprah Winfrey was a good catch. But I'm afraid there is a bigger fish waiting to be hooked, leading me to ask of you this important favor. 

JERRY SPRINGER/Wikipedia

Will you endeavor to lobby all forms of power, influence and social standing to follow up on this exciting event by bringing the biggest freak show to town, Jerry Springer?  

According to columnist, Andrew Daddo, 'When Oprah laughs, the couch-bound laugh with her.' In the interest of fairness, I'd add that when Jerry Springer chimes in with a one-liner concerning one of his guests' fetishes, the couch also rolls onto the floor, impersonating a hysterical bowel movement. 

To differentiate a Springer special (sounds like the potential name of a promotional burger, eh?) from a royal Oprah visit, Jerry could invite 300 of his past guests down under for free. 

Perhaps some of the larger-then-life characters could apply for a work visa and run for parliament in the forthcoming state election. Vote 1 for more drama. I hear the Labor Party have a few vacancies these days.   

NSW Premier Kristina Keneally has revealed in the Sun Herald that  she doesn't like Barry O'Farrell and thinks he is juvenile after the Opposition Leader presented the US born leader with a copy of The Little Aussie Fact Book, which reportedly suggests she still has much to learn about her adopted country. Worse maybe to come. She might find JobsGuide 2011 under the parliamentary Christmas tree.

Clearly the lower house in Macquarie St has not enabled KK to get everything off her chest about Barry nearly four months out from the election. If there's one forum that brings people together to settle the score, it's the Jerry Springer Show.   

The State Government and the City of Sydney Council could co-ordinate an event uniquely christened A Breakfast  Broadcast on the Bridge with Springer hosting a live Australia Day Food Fight  between the outgoing Premier and the incoming one. 

Imagine setting up a citizens assembly on the bridge with Labor MP's on one side and NSW voters on the other, led by Braveheart O'Farrell. 
Instead of using the usher of the black rod to discipline the unruly, Ronald McDonald could run in to the tune of Prince's 1991 song 'Cream' and feed the incorrigible with a vanilla pie to the face.  

Some will argue there may not be enough Labor MP's left to have a food fight with. Good point. Others feel good food should not be wasted on one of the worst governments in our state's history. Even better point. But it's all in the name of a good cause; convincing hyperactive women to travel into the city, spend double the price on a sausage roll as well as a handbag so as to help fix the economy. 

The bridge could be closed on a Monday morning to help generate  millions of dollars worth of free advertising on traffic reports covering the backlog of motorists using back streets. Alternatively a widescreen could be placed on top of the Bridge so that corporate logos plastered all over the bodies of big beautiful strippers can be viewed with the naked eye by all Sydneysiders. 

Such scenes featuring famous Australian icons and landmarks being beamed into American living rooms on the nightly news could lead to an influx of impulsive travel bookings online while increasing sales of barf bags at Duty Free stores nationwide. Economic growth is a shoe in.  

Good ideas are often spontaneous but sometimes the timing isn't practical. I am aware January may be a little too optimistic. But with a state election looming, March could also be a good time for some Jerry Springer specials on a range of subjects including:

A. Secret confessions; people who still believe in State Labor. 
B. Porn stars addicted to politicians 
C. Public Servants obsessed with quitting. 

Aussie fans of the show could vote for 50 of the guests to be included on the freaky-free-for-all tour. 

Tour guide competitions could be held where lucky winners (Australian residents only) get to lead a group of 'Springer Zingers' on an all expenses paid national tour to some of the most famous attractions including:

Obelisk Beach - described on Wikipedia as little known to tourists, this 100 metre nude beach will really open up the Zingers eyes. Despite being characterised as 'quiet and tranquil', it's more than likely the visitors will find plenty to take in. WARNING! Good views not guaranteed. 

Strip Bars - to prevent any bout of homesickness breaking out, many guests will be able to feel right at home in some of the local entertainment establishments. And those who are very impressed by our country may also want to consider dropping their CV's into some of the talent scouts that work in our press the flesh industry, should they opt for a working holiday in the future. We want the world's most skilled individuals to undress all opportunities down under. 

All You Can Eat Restaurants - a whole lot of energy is needed for endurance on the Jerry Springer show. 
  
The opportunities for the business community would be endless. They can jump on board with hoards of cash by offering to sponsor 'a freak for a week'. 

All guests would be attired in items featuring logo placements on clothes, socks, shorts, shirts, g-strings and man-boobs. No scrap that. On all types of boobs. This is the land of equal opportunity after all. 

The potential for an economic windfall from cheap, sordid, entertainment is in your hands.

Highest regards from the lowest common denominator.

Mick Cartonne MP
(Member of the Public) 

A CHRISTMAS CRACKER

An ill-informed man turns up to a formal Christmas party wearing shorts and a blue Canterbury top. 
 
Matradee: Sir, I cannot let you in.This is a formal affair. 
Knockabout Bloke: Well I'll have you know that in my country this is very formal. 
Matradee: And which country do you come from, sir? 
Knockabout Bloke: The western suburbs.

THE PEOPLE'S JOKE

I had a bad dream last night.

Heading down the Hume Highway, I drove to Parliament House in Canberra to toss Cow Patty's at Federal MP's who voted to lift the retirement age to 100.

Credit: Noodle snacks (http://www.noodlesnacks.com/)

One of the patty's ricocheted off the Shane Paxton Memorial Statue and hit me in the head, knocking me out cold. Unconscious, I died and went to heaven.

After entering the light, I walked towards the pearly gates, hoping to be greeted by God.

Unfortunately the gates were locked and a sign was placed out the front. It read:

"God has taken sick leave to watch the Ashes. We apologise for any inconvenience caused " - Heaven (now under new management. )

THE CARTONNE DIARIES

November 30

Bad news is good news for someone (usually a TV Network in need of a ratings erection).

I am 90 pages into Suddenly Last Winter – an election diary, written by that champion of Labor causes, Bob Ellis and yet some bastard has requested the library to recall it back early (probably so the client can give it to an annoying relative as a Christmas gift, so they can spend the money saved on importing a second hand vuvuzela for the start of the National Rugby League season in 2011). 

I'm still not really sure why I am reading Bob’s work. 

He raises my blood pressure with some of his humanitarian addictions. When I sip a cup of Irish tea in the sunroom, it becomes quite clear. Compensation for my irritation with Bob's worldly view comes in the form of his greatest gift; the constant ability to make me piss myself laughing at the expense of himself and his subjects. 

His greatest creative donation would be the poems he writes at night. They are the sort that should be recited at private school speech nights to keep parents awake before the Chancellor of Bad News announces another rise in fees. See example below.

Beweep the fate of  K......... R......... 

His end is tears, his name is mud,

Defamed by all as a useless cunt

Knifed by comrades, back and front.

Judged by all a waste of space

Who's done his dash, who's run his race

Who did not, would not, once consult

Anyone not in his cult

Hubris, Primates, brought him low

More than any creeping foe,

Belief the sun rose from his arse

And no-one else was in his class

Hubris is a dreadful thing:

It fells the mightiest, oh king

It makes a joke of all-one planned

When one was ruler of the land.

Heed well the end of K.......... R..........

The whole world picked him as a dud,

But he breezed onward, preened and sneered

Striking all as fucking weird

He flogged his minions, praised his God

Called inquiries, pulled his wad,

Thought himself Christ's gift to men

Smiled and pulled his wad again

He did not see the penny drop,

Nor bear the dark steed come, clip-clop

But tottered, sleepless, round his dream

A cat engorged with too much cream

Who now in blank oblivion lies

An empty grave neath blazing skies, 

A Quiz kid all said could not fail

Unwept, unsung, undone. Wassail.

   

Every friday night on Sydney talk station, 2SM, Graeme Gilbert hosts poetry night where callers subject listeners to their own original verses.

Sadly, we'll never hear this classic reach the airwaves because of that electronic pain-in-the-arse widely known in broadcasting circles as a seven-second delay system. If there is one thing I have figured out in life, it's this. The most effective wit is found in books where censorship is self-determined, unlike talkback radio or newspapers where "family values" and fuddy, duddy, political correctness act as a form of middle class contraception for the fragile egos of those scared of passionate, liberal use of the English language before 9pm.. 

I was thinking of emailing Bob to compliment him on his latest work. But sadly his website has yet to configure an email address into its contacts page. I also wanted to find out if he ever got around to christening that piece of prose.

Why, God, are the best writers on the opposing ideological and/or political team?

I suppose that’s like trying to figure out why the Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs have won more premierships than Parramatta. It’s a universal enigma albeit a very disturbing one which has plenty of theories but alas, no single answer. 

DECEMBER  

It's official. Only four months to go until the NSW Labor Party are expelled from Political Play School. I'm still wondering if I should have an election night party, considering the concession speech will probably need to be made after the exit polling comes through. 

SICK OF ABSENCE

We've all done it because we know others are doing it too. It would seem the great Australian dream is to take a sickie, writes Mick Cartonne. 

Image credit: Employment Law Handbook.com.au

A survey conducted by recruitment services company, Hallis, found that a whopping 42 per cent of the Australian workforce admits to taking unscheduled days off for reasons other than being sick.  


Employers are said to be, well, sick of this.  
  
For those thinking about having a three-day weekend this week, watch out; practical handbooks advising bosses about employment law are not getting dust on them.

There are four theoretical ways to stop people from pulling a fast one. I'll give you an example of how I'd convert those policies from theory into practice 

1. Identify the causes for an employee’s absenteeism.

If you can find out why an employee is consistently absent, you can deal more effectively with the problem. That's fair. For instance, if your least productive worker is often absent because the media got him excited about the current Ashes series, you could offer to buy them an online subscription to the bat and ball game and let them watch some of the game live on a PC. Everybody wins. 

2. Implement a thorough record system. 

Record the date, duration and reason for the absenteeism. If the second in charge team leader keeps getting drunk on Friday and is unable to find his house come Monday morning, go drinking with them so you can help them to find a post-hangover clean pair of underpants and so they won't turn up to work with bad BO. Good hygiene equals a happy workforce.

3. Meticulously follow up on each case of absenteeism.  

Ring up Human Resources and find out the address of your bedridden colleague,  then send around the workplace nurse to make sure Mr or Mrs Sick are NOT doing anything....to re-aggravate their problem. Record the reaction offered by your employee to all medical assistance offered. Maybe even include the footage on a bloopers tape at the end-of-year office Christmas Party.

4. Properly inform and regularly update your employees about your standards and policies regarding absenteeism.

Send around a company email alerting people to any changes you've made to the absenteeism policy e.g anyone seen on TV at a live sporting event or spotted shopping in the background of story shown on the Six PM news will be offered counseling after they are terminated. 

But hang on. What is the basis for believing your employee is having you on? 

I'd like to think that a quick recovery from hurting your knee getting out of bed followed by a return to the office the very next day is a miracle or an act of faith healing. Besides, a happy, well rested employee is a productive one. 

For those who do find themselves in an employer-employee show trial after damaging a disc in your back trying to change the wheel of the bus that broke down on your way to work, remember to always be equipped with quick wit when returning to the office. Here's an example.

Boss: I noticed you took a sick day yesterday
Employee; Yeah, but I'm getting a bit sick of talking about it.
Boss: Did you bring in a doctors certificate with you?
Employee: Nup
Boss: Why not?
Employee: My doctor was unwell.

 
If you are going to try and find a way to beat the system that pays you not to join the dole queue, listen to the advice of Addie Johnson, author of The Little Book of Big Excuses, who has some practical advice for us all (minus any bosses reading this);

"Don't call with every symptom known to man. Keep it simple sicky. If you're calling up with the flu, you don't need to tell your boss that you have nausea, vertigo and the shakes."

"Keep it simple, so you can get in and get out."

A NECESSARY SICKIE

If you rang in sick 24-hours after Prince Willy and Katie Middletone announced they were engaged, don't feel bad. I too was tempted to rush to the liquor cabinet and empty it by the time we got to the weather report, writes Mick Cartonne. 

Unless you've been on holidays in a resort run by the Exclusive Brethren, you will know by now that Prince William will not be appearing on Dating in the Dark on Fox 8 in the near future.

That's cause he's preparing to tie the knot with his sweetheart, Catherine. 

Credit:Gridge (Wikipedia)

Meanwhile for the rest of us trying to divorce ourselves from the obsessive media coverage of this love story, escape is futile.  

Just in case you're still not really interested in this story, British papers are providing their readers with royal engagement souvenir extra editions.

This is a practical thing, particularly with a new round of national government welfare cuts making toilet paper a luxury for families, the unemployed, the sick and the disabled.

You cannot clean up your dog's mess with an iPAD or eat fish and chips from it. But you can do this with the extra 9 pages the Royals are taking up in your weekend tabloid.

My irritation is not with Prince Willy or Katie Middletone. They are not responsible for the interest shown by the press.

Credit: Nick Warner (Wikipedia)

However a secret drive thru wedding in Las Vegas for only $199.00 (US) may very well have provided us with some form of intellectual vaccination from the the media torture. This was within their control. 

I hope future royals will consider this before they send out an official press release. Boycott engagements, I say, and just get the blessed event over and done with. Maybe even do it via Skype to save on airfares for all those fat relatives who take up two seats in business class.  

A news bulletin is meant to feature a series of individual stories NOT a series of stories devoted to one irrelevant subject. That's how you lose ratings.

But that theory went right out the window on Wednesday night because nobody had the foresight to give the story the REAL attention it deserved, that being two minutes of airtime and no more.

What happened to editorial judgement and all the other crap people are being taught in journalism school? 

After the first five minutes, I became equally as enraged as a pedestrian running late for an appointment being held up by three fat people taking up the entire footpath in a one way street. 
There was no way out.  

Change over to Channel 9 from 7 and you saw the same footage of Catherine in her youth. 

Switch to Ten, hoping for an episode of the Simpsons and the entire family including the dog, suffered a breakdown watching a documentary on....WILLY AND KATE.

My last bastion of defense from this irrelevant story, the ABC, soon let me down as they too behaved like giggling school girls attending a Justine Bieber concert. 

We got served the same dribble on their 7pm bulletin and then they saturated us even more on the 7:30 report. It got to the point where I was starting to question God's whereabouts in all of this.

Perhaps he too went for an extended toilet break.

Just as Kerry Packer told programming at Channel 9 to "get this shit off the air" back in 1992 during the short-lived broadcast of Australia's Naughtiest Home Videos, someone in government should have rang up the networks, tapped the producers on the shoulder and told them in strong words not suitable for publication; WE GET THE F%$#@&% point!.

They wouldn't have lost any votes finding the courage to speak up on behalf of Australian viewers.

One question though still bothers me about the so-called love story of the 21st century. 

In the future, will the same level of coverage be provided should the couple break-up?

Will some blonde bimbo interview a fashion designer about what Kate or William should wear if they decide to break up with each other for a second time?

Are bookies going to give us odds on a divorce settlement figure?

I'm pretty sure that in 2045, Peter Luck will host an episode of Where Are They Now on Channel Seven during the non-ratings summer season. 

He'll take a look back at the history of the new royal couple and then ask the audience to call in and tell him where they were when William and Kate got engaged. 

I'll probably ring up and reply, 'I was busy trying to change the batteries of the tv remote so I could use the mute button on long play.'


Opinions expressed are those of the author ONLY and not any sources assisting in the presentation of the above article. 

EASY LEARNING

The Education Revolution took on a whole new meaning this week, writes Mick Cartonne. 

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the smartest student of them all? Answer: the one up the back of the classroom chatting to his international contacts on his Wireless Connected IPHONE. 

This week the Australian media reported that Aussie high school and university students were outsourcing their homework to sweatshops in India, Pakistan and Egypt.

Those students get an A for innovation.  
 
Would all the economics teachers please stop laughing in the hallways? Your distracting your students from negotiating an important trade agreement. Shhhhhhh!!!! Thank you.
 
The story leads us to believe that for as little as $2, you can have an English essay or Maths paper completed for you.

According to the Daily Telegraph, a 23-year-old Pakistani graduate admitted to producing essays and papers for high school and university students at a bargain-basement price of $2 per 100 words.
 
"It's my part-time job,", Mohammed Ali Khan from Islamabad told the tabloid paper.
 
"Australians mainly ask for university papers but I've done some high-school work, too."
 
Wow. Nothing could possibly go wrong with this little hair-brained scheme, except maybe say, parent-teacher night. 

I can see how the scheme would come undone. Something along these lines.

 Mr and Mrs Howard turn up to Higgins High School to find out how their son, John, is performing.

Teacher: Mr and Mrs Howard, I'm afraid I've got some bad news. Little Johnny's assignments are illegible.
Mr Howard: But he's still passing them, isn't he?
Teacher: That has yet to be determined by most of his teachers.
Mrs Howard: Oooh, dear.This sounds serious.
Teacher: It is. I'm afraid not one teacher has been able to mark or critique any of John's work this semester, making it impossible to rank him with his intellectual peers.
Mr Howard: Well, what exactly is the problem?
Teacher: We can't read his writing.
Mr Howard: For god's sake, man, he's a year 7 high school student, not a bloody doctor. We fixed his running writing in Summer School.
Teacher: His writing his legible. But we would prefer it if he'd submit all future work in English.
Mr Howard: Stone the crows. What's he been writing in?
Teacher: In standard Hindi.
Mr Howard: IN WHAT?
Teacher: Your son is an outstanding Indian writer.
Mr Howard: Then he's obviously passing at least one of his subjects.
Teacher: We don't teach that language at Higgins High.

For the record, it was not THAT John Howard.

Matt Barrie, founder of www.freelancer.com, a website which puts small businesses in touch with affordable labour in emerging economies claims homework assignments were frequently submitted to his site.

"We get them all the time. As a lecturer myself, I really don't approve, but kids will be kids - they will always find a way to cheat."

Is this really cheating or the discovery of a positive use for globalization? You decide.

In a world where the authentically inauthentic appear to be sapping the top-dollars and getting the big breaks, its hard not to subscribe to a simple philosophy.

When it comes to getting ahead, It's not what you know but who you know that knows what you don't. 

Outsourcing...is this the answer? Maybe. I just hope it's the right one come exam time.

THE PEOPLE'S JOKE

I  thought I'd share with you this cracker that I discovered in the imagination volt this morning. Enjoy.

Caller: Hello, I've just been robbed.
Police: Where are you, now?
Caller: I'm at home.
Police: Did you get a good look at the perpetrator?
Caller: Yeah. It was the bank.
Police: Which bank?

FUNDING GREED

The war against excess economic fat just got uglier, with keywords such as fair and affordable overlooked by those in charge of our standard of living, writes Mick Cartonne. 

Tonight's edition of statistical pain is proudly brought to you by the banks. Which bank? All the bloody banks.  

There were plenty of losers left red-faced last week in the game of life played out on that expensive island called Australia. 

Many backed the wrong horse, "We think we can pay" in the mortgage cup and made a bigger-than-expected loss when the interest rates rose on Tuesday afternoon. 

After a slow start, "We've got you by the balls" ridden by Missing CEO and trained by Greedo Excelcius, found his way back to the middle of the pack and then on the final turn, punished the punters who believed the advice of the so-called experts and backed the favourite school of thought; that that odds of a rate-rise were very low due to lower-than-expected inflation figures released the previous week. 


I am sorry to report but in the end the party was crashed when Australia's central bank opted for a 0.25 percentage-point increase in the official interest rate. 

With Christmas just around the corner, Commonwealth CEO Ralph Norris, then decided to get in on the spirit of giving by surprising us not with lollies in the fireplace stocking but with a loan repayment invoice, 0.2 points above the official cash rate.

Regardless of who lived in the mortgaged manger be it Jesus, Mary,Joseph, you or I, the CBA was determined to set itself up for a $1 billion windfall care of extracting just little a bit more blood from those who can least afford it, so to make the balance sheet look a little bit better. 

And we are just going to have to make a seasonal adjustment to our lifestyles to deal with it. How is this achieved? By decreasing our purchasing power. 

That means many Aussies will either have to eliminate the smoothest brand of toilet paper from their supermarket shopping list or cut back on petrol by canceling their yearly trip to the nursing home to see Grandma win the annual Premier's spelling bee using profanity that should be reserved exclusively for State Parliament question time. 

The message to the receivers (everyone with a loan) could not be any louder or clearer; we the banks are going to fiscally beat you up, but we're not going to kill you. That's our gift to you this Christmas. We'll keep you breathing, because we need you make another payment . 

Lots of silly statements from people in positions of power and influence soon followed. The merry-go-round went like this.

Someday opposition leader,Julia Gillard got 'angry', Future treasurer, Joe Hockey, pulled ideas out of his hat and ANZ boss, Mike Smith became less popular by accusing Hockey of populism. 

All good fun if the issue wasn't so serious for homeowners and businesses.  

After a short but noticeable absence from the reaction his organizations decision to inflict more pain than necessary, King Ralph eventually came out of his international hiatus.

In a statement unlikely to make it into the next edition of Great Comments of the 21st Century, the highly paid chief ($16.2 million per annum) of the Commonwealth Bank told the Daily Telegraph it was better to see "a few" foreclosures than have an economy hamstrung by a low profit banking system.

Better for who, Ralph?  

Shareholders with extra-large mansions, holiday homes, flash cars and enough credit to buy all their neighbours kids an X-box? 

The situation was already absurd after Westpac CEO Gail Kelly called for 'calm'  in the battle between Australia's major banks and the government over interest rates with the threat of regulation.  

That's easy to say for someone with the second highest salary package in the local banking sector. 

I'll do you a deal, Gail. I'll calm down if you donate all of your performance-bonus pay to a small group of less fortunate Australians. 

Okay, so you may have to forgo building a third wine cellar. Would it really hurt to lend a hand to those who need it and drink to that instead?

Strike that original idea. Let's issue the greater social good challenge to all CEO's of all commercial banks. 

Create a promotion, where on Christmas Eve, instead of getting fatter, you go on an economic diet to promote a healthier and happier society by paying off the mortgages of three struggling homeowners. 

I know what the response from the banks will be to this idea; sorry, we're a business not a charity. 

I forgot. Humanitarian causes don't affect the market value positively enough. What on earth was I thinking? I should stop drinking marxist cordial. 

The last time I checked though, you didn't need to be a communist or a socialist to have a conscience. 

Long before the 0.45 per cent rate rise arrived on the 2nd of November, other economic, political and social units operating the levers of revenue creation within the community, have been gorging on far too many party pooper pies. 

They too, deserve their fare share of recognition this week.
We cannot just blame the banks for the promotion of insensitive forms of economic vandalism.

State public transport, the Federal Government and Business lobby groups are also in on the great Australian feeding frenzy. 

A reader of mine informed me by email that he had a metaphorical gun held to his head last week. 

Awarded some extra-hours in his workplace, Phil McCrotch, started work at 7:30am instead of 9:30am. As a direct result, he no longer forked out $5.40 for a return fare to the city, but rather had to dig deep and hand over $8.00 because he was traveling at peak hour and not in an off-peak period. 

What added-value did State Rail provide Phil with to justify this extra investment?

An empty seat, a portable bed-pan for those long-trips that are made longer by bonus delays on the Harbour Bridge or even an upgrade to hygienic first-class?   

Phil's ROI (return on investment) came in the form of a dividend known widely in economic circles as NOTHING. 

This was the same amount offered to me recently by the editor of regional paper to write a column. I kindly refused. 

Unfortunately, you don't get a choice when traveling to work.

Its quite simple really. You fork out the extra-dollars or you wait until the off-peak hours and arrive late to your place of employment (if you are lucky to have one). Some choice. 

Peak-hour fares never hit peak popularity amongst Sydney commuters because they were never designed to be fair in the first place. A bit like the set-up of the free market where according to Margaret Thatcher 'society does not exist.'
 
Then we have the Federal Government using make believe emotional rhetoric, rehearsing and then delivering hollow dialect with violins playing in the background as they pretend to be on our side against the big bad banks, when in fact this is the same mob that uses a progressive taxation system to charge us income tax in as many ways as is plausible.

Under the income tax assessment act, interest earned on a term deposit is fully assessable for income tax in the tax year it is paid, despite the fact the most of the money ever entered into these type of accounts usually stems from wages that have already had tax deducted.

So anybody who benefits from the decision of both the RBA and the individual banks, they too are becoming progressively poorer.   

Never mind the fact that all funds earned in those deposits could be used for practical measures such as individual donations to the political parties come election time or heaven forbid, paying for private health insurance to reduce numbers on the public hospital waiting list. 

The Commonwealth Government is nothing short of two-faced, regardless of which party is in power. They give us a hug with one arm and elbow us in the ribs with the other. 

Not that they couldn't do anything about this.

Just as we have a means test on couples earning up to $150,000  as it relates to the 30 per cent private health rebate (singles $75,000), what's to say we couldn't make the first $100,000 of a household's term deposit tax-free? 
  
Nope, good ideas in this country are too expensive for the same bastards that the defunct Democrats forgot to keep honest.  

BUT WAIT. THERE'S STILL MORE. As if you haven't had enough pain for one week.

The Australian Industry Group is applying to cancel Christmas and New Year's Day penalty rates, arguing companies shouldn't have to pay staff extra - despite the NSW government, declaring them public holidays.

Our brave friends in the employer group believe penalty rates should only be paid to staff working the substitute holidays - the following Monday and Tuesday - as Christmas, Boxing Day and New Year's Day fall on a weekend.

I can kind of understand why this is happening. 

As Ross Gittins points out this week, small businesses often pay more on their indicator interest rate than home buyers. Some businesses need to save more money by spending less on employees to help manage their bank loans to keep the business afloat. 

But with an incoming Liberal State Government due next March and one which will probably have an insane amount of power, there is a good chance the employers will get some form of win on the public holiday issue in the future. 

In other words don't be surprised if Santa Clause goes into a NSW Public Hospital for lap band surgery in the New Year but instead undergoes a personality makeover that turns him into scrooge.  

I'm not going to get into an economic argument with the Sydney Morning Herald's leading economic writer. I came last in economics in year 12 and he didn't. 

Gittins is right when he says 'If I'm on the right track, the claim that there's no competition between the banks will be seen as false.' 

I've milked plenty out of the banks by threatening to walk away though sometimes I did have to go through with this threat to get a better result.

But when he says people such as retirees, those who rent and/or those saving for a home deposit are benefiting from savings deposited with banks, that's where I will debate him.  
The renters, in particular, will lose what they earn in their deposit accounts to the Taxman and then possibly have to spend most of what is left on paying the extra payments via rent rises on the landlords investment property. 

The type of term deposit they have will determine if they can shed their money quickly or not. A Westpac Reward Saver account is easier to transfer funds from then a fixed term Deposit. 

But still, they'll eventually end up raiding the accounts that work for them if the institutes helping them continue hurting their landlords mortage repayments.

All because the banks went beyond the call of duty and the Governments don't want to restructure the tax system in case they become as unpopular as a bout of herpes and need some money for a public awareness campaign.

Hello..............the community is already aware that governments don't promote the best ideas on offer. We don't need more money wasted on telling us what we already know care of the nightly news. 
 
You are right, Ross. There's plenty of competition. But it's between the banks and the Australian government who are mainly involved in the business of self-wealth management. 

The moral of the story is a simple one; the next time a credit card company tells you in a TV commercial 'don't leave home without it', take a deep breath and avoid panicking. 

Chances are you won't have a home to leave it in for very much longer. 

If you feel like a whale being attacked by Sharks on one side and Piranhas on the other, don't worry. You are not alone.

BEFORE I FORGET.....

On my tea break from the hassles of everyday living, I managed to switch on the greatest worst tournament of all in football, the Rugby League Four Nations. The world's weakest team, Papua New Guinea, battled bravely against the globe's most useless side, England. Steve McNamara's poms obviously need Julia Gillard to give them a good talking to about moving forward while PNG need to set up an attacking football academy because until they do all their energy, effort and execution put into turning up to play is a waste of time no matter who is coaching them. I think we can all agree that a Kangaroos win next Saturday will simply mean next year's tournament might need to be re-christened the ONE NATIONS.